I'm coming out of the closet

And I am not talking about the Homosexuality closet, before any of you start going and getting your proverbial knickers in a knot.  I'm talking about the "Mental illness" closet.  Cause lets face it, by admitting you have a mental illness you're opening yourself up for a whole lotta shit. Regardless of what anyone says, there is still a butt-load of stigma attached to it. And it's bloody hard for people to 'come out'.  I for one, for a long time have felt ashamed and embarrassed of how people would take it. And I really didn't want to be looked at differently. 

So the re-birth, if you will of this blog, isn't going to go back and rehash everything about my past to try and pin point the root of the problem.  This is more about blogging my day to day life, how I am feeling etc so that its not all floating around in my head. 

As of right now,  I suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder for those of you who are unfamiliar) and Anxiety/Agoraphobia. And for the first time in a long time I can say I am not doing OK.  I am angry and frustrated at myself for not doing something about it sooner and just trying to ignore it or 'sweep it under the rug', so to speak.   As it stands now, my Anxiety is that bad, I have not left my house in over 2 weeks.  And I so wish that was an exaggeration. But it really isnt. I literally have not gone past my letter box, in 2 weeks.  The rational part of my brain sees this and thinks 'what the heck is wrong with you, just DO IT'.  Unfortunately for my rational part, the anxiety ridden part of my brain has been in charge for wayyyy too long- it is in desperate need of re-training, that's for sure. 

So I have decided, over the next few weeks I am going to start taking the steps I need to, to start getting myself better.   I'm tired of it putting a strain on my relationship with The Bman and I know that its not good for Miss 4 and Miss Almost 2.  

Unfortunately growing up, I wasn't given the tools I needed to be equipped for dealing with this kind of stuff.  So one of the things on my 'to do' list is to finally do my mental health plan with my Doctor, so I can start going and talking to someone ASAP.  This was something I wanted to do on Friday just gone, but I have been so ill with this flu, the last thing I want to do is go and sit in a doctors surgery whilst feeling like I am dying, and talk about my mental health.  

The other thing I am doing is getting my mojo back by eating better & exercising. I know that will help my head space and make me feel a bit better. 

So despite the fact I have a crapload of handwashing to do today, today is going to be a good day!  After this post I am shutting down my computer for a few hours and stepping away from trying to solve everybody else's dramas and problems.  Going to go out and sit in the sunshine and soak up some VIT D. God knows I need it.