I've had these thoughts floating around in my head. So I figured I need to do a blogpost about it to pile them all together because this is just something that is so frustrating and I'm sure that there are people like me who have been in the dark about it.
So for a while I have been astounded at how many deficiencies (vitamin and mineral) mirror the same symptoms as those of Anxiety Disorders and Depression. It was quite interesting when I read about it to be honest. I wondered why when you went to the doctor and sprouted off symptoms, that they don't go ok, well your symptoms could be for a whole bunch of reasons lets get some tests done. Instead its 'Ok here's a booklet, here's some tablets. You've got anxiety (or depression) see you later'.
Before I continue, I need to point out that I am in no way saying Anxiety or Depression isn't real. I have been medicated for both of these for 6 years or so now. But the main thing for me is my PTSD - when I am triggered. That's what I need to go speak to someone about. But the ah-ha light bulb moment that has blown my mind...... and i'll try and think before I type cause this is the part where all these thoughts are just buzzing around my head so fast.
.... 90% of the body's seretonin is in the gut. I read this and actually sat there staring at the computer for a good 10 minutes. I had no idea seretonin was in the gut. I thought it was all in the head. And...so...the thoughts...begin. Now it is starting to make sense to me. These people who are morbidly obese are so down and lethargic and unhappy....they lose massive amounts of weight like 50 + kilos and they're happy and healthy and fit and not tired. I did an experiment this week where I had 4 or 5 days without vegetables. I felt lethargic. Unhappy. Tired.. so freaking tired. Anxious. A whole other bunch of symptoms. Someone I know has always had problems going to the toilet. And has also been on anti depressants for 10 years, which she is in the process of coming off now. When she and I read this information about seretonin so many things started making sense! I remember being a bit of a gym junkie when I was about 18... and I was working mental hours... and wasn't tired. Ever. Was having 3 day benders and then going to work for 12 hour night shifts. And I wasn't even a hardcore Gym junkie. I just went usually everyday or every second day. Still wasn't on any special diet. I was 18 lol so it was just eat whatever. But now my mind is just blown. Soooo many things are making sense about my depression/anxiety. And it's not only just about this gut thing. But also just how powerful the mind is. My neighbour was diagnosed with lung cancer. 13 weeks later, dead. He was told he'd see this christmas, maybe not the next one, depending on chemo etc. He didn't even see this christmas. Its like the minute he was told he had cancer, he started dying right then and there. Just gave up. Suffering from anxiety I know just how powerful my mind really is. It will create symptoms and make me feel things. Classic example was this morning- woke up did my usual Sunday things. Brendan got up and was in a fantastic mood. The girls were in a great mood everyone was happy. Brendan was so affectionate to me this morning (not that he isn't usually, but he was overly lovey and affectionate this morning) and it just felt like such a great morning, not a care in the world. Then the brain spoke "Something bad has to happen. It's not possible to be THIS happy and something bad not happen" Because that's what's always happend. And my brain has me "programmed" to feel like that..... so when someone says to you, You have anxiety / depression, take this tablet. You do it, cause you need it right?
Im sure i'll continue this later... at this point I'm stuck. There's too many thoughts at once.. can't actually formulate what I want to say properly lol
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Vent or explode
Every now and then we all need a vent eh? A "verbal vomit", if you will. Well that's how I feel right now. I don't usually like to vent about my other half. Because then you tend to get the one or two people that say "ohhh her relationship isn't doing so well" ... which isn't the case, I am cranky, I need to vent. Bman and I are fine, we always are fine. We just fight like every other couple, which I think is healthy. Well it's not even fighting, more of a disagreement, bit of an argue. We don't spend days ignoring each other. And I am almost positive the longest any of our arguments have ever lasted is maybe half an hour. We tend to get over them and resolve them pretty quickly. So my following vent isn't something I resent Bman about, or am going to "make him pay" for, its just a stupid vent that I am fucked off about right now.
So. About 2 years ago Brendan was offered this 'fantastic' job, on the Sunshine Coast. We lived in Brisbane at the time. He was promised all this shit, he was really excited about it. How could I say no? So I had 2 weeks notice. Packed up my whole house, my 1 year old baby and we moved. In 2 weeks. Moved 3 times in 2 years around the Sunshine Coast. Till we finally bought this place we're in now (LEMON!).
The short version is, Bmans boss, is a GIANT douchebag. He doesn't give a shit about his employees, doesn't give a shit about his customers. Just wants to make money and that's it. Makes the boys cut corners etc. Shitty pay (for those who don't know Bman is an Aircraft Reconditioner) and needless to say if Workplace Health and Saftey were to go through there they would get shut down in about 30 seconds. Anyway, Bman is constantly whining about what a shit hole it is , how much he hates it, how much he hates his boss, not enough money, not enough over time bla bla bla ..... He's done this job for 14 years and he's really underpaid for his skills.
Now Bman was only just saying the other day that he would be taking tomorrow afternoon off for Mels funeral and didn't care if work had a problem about it. Fair enough. Until...
Yesterday afternoon I fucked my back. Bman is always saying I should chop my own wood if I want the fire place (ya know because we don't chop wood in advance, it gets chopped every night, as we need it). So yesterday I thought I'd suprise him by chopping the wood and he'd come home to a lit fireplace. Bad. Fucking. Idea. Chopping wood isn't easy, no idea why he thought I'd be able to do it especially when I've never been shown. So i've fucked my back, really bad (on top of the scoliosis which is already sore from this shitty weather). I struggled with it all day until about 1 oclock ... when the dog decided to run out the front door when someone knocked on it and I had to catch him almost going A over T in the wet. I have only been able to take panadol or nurofen, cause i've got the kids. Can't take anything stronger because i had no sleep last night, I'm exhausted and I'd fall asleep. I call bman pretty much in tears and say I need you to come home and watch the girls (because living here i don't have anyone to help me out. No family that I can call when I'm sick etc. SO I've pretty much got to suck it up and soldier on - even though when anybody else is sick they get to take sick days... funny that) He's response was 'no - I can't'. Even though just last night he was telling me they're not busy at the moment. He just doesn't WANT to because he can't be bothered with the whinging from his boss. Usually he'll say I can't, I get the shits and that's the end of the conversation. I gotta suck it up. I tried to explain to him today I can't. I am really fucking sore, I need to take something stronger meds wise and lie down. The girls are doing nothing but fight and carry on. I'm having to get up constantly and I need to be able to lay down with a heatpack on and rest it. Sounds fairly simple. But no. He says 'nup, can't do it'. But he's taking tomorrow afternoon off for Mels funeral and he doesn't give a fuck what anyone says at work. He took 8 days off not so long ago in a row because the doctor fucked up a medical certificate and did it for 10 days instead of 1. But when I NEED him here to help with HIS children, he can't? So what am I actually upset about? I'm actually upset that when we were living in Brisbane, my anxiety wasn't that bad. I was getting ALOT better. I was doing things, going out, seeing friends, WORKING, driving etc. I had family around lots of friends around. Had friends over nearly every night. I was in a really good place. Since moving up here, my anxiety has been SHITHOUSE. I have like 2 friends here. Which is great, but we don't get to see each other very much at all. I miss my family. My sister and I talk literally everyday. I hate that I am 2 hours away from her. We're best mates. We get to see each other once every couple of months. I see my mum once every couple of months for about an hour. Because when we go to brisbane to visit for peoples birthdays or whatever we've got sooo many people to see in one day.
So I've sacrificed ALOT to live in this shithole of a place. I fucking hate it. I've hated it since the day I moved here. And I don't want to be the one that says "well I did this for you and I did that for you" to bman, cause I hate begrudging shit. BUT - it's true! I hate this place and if I won lotto tomorrow I'd move back to be closer to my family and friends in a heart beat. The drive from here to brisbane is sooo shit. It's only 1.5 hours but it's annoying and boring. With 2 kids its tiring. And its expensive. Can't afford to do it all the time. Over not having any help when I need it. The kids get a sleepover at their grandparents once every few months. I need a fucking break. Something needs to change... I'm tired of hating this place.
So. About 2 years ago Brendan was offered this 'fantastic' job, on the Sunshine Coast. We lived in Brisbane at the time. He was promised all this shit, he was really excited about it. How could I say no? So I had 2 weeks notice. Packed up my whole house, my 1 year old baby and we moved. In 2 weeks. Moved 3 times in 2 years around the Sunshine Coast. Till we finally bought this place we're in now (LEMON!).
The short version is, Bmans boss, is a GIANT douchebag. He doesn't give a shit about his employees, doesn't give a shit about his customers. Just wants to make money and that's it. Makes the boys cut corners etc. Shitty pay (for those who don't know Bman is an Aircraft Reconditioner) and needless to say if Workplace Health and Saftey were to go through there they would get shut down in about 30 seconds. Anyway, Bman is constantly whining about what a shit hole it is , how much he hates it, how much he hates his boss, not enough money, not enough over time bla bla bla ..... He's done this job for 14 years and he's really underpaid for his skills.
Now Bman was only just saying the other day that he would be taking tomorrow afternoon off for Mels funeral and didn't care if work had a problem about it. Fair enough. Until...
Yesterday afternoon I fucked my back. Bman is always saying I should chop my own wood if I want the fire place (ya know because we don't chop wood in advance, it gets chopped every night, as we need it). So yesterday I thought I'd suprise him by chopping the wood and he'd come home to a lit fireplace. Bad. Fucking. Idea. Chopping wood isn't easy, no idea why he thought I'd be able to do it especially when I've never been shown. So i've fucked my back, really bad (on top of the scoliosis which is already sore from this shitty weather). I struggled with it all day until about 1 oclock ... when the dog decided to run out the front door when someone knocked on it and I had to catch him almost going A over T in the wet. I have only been able to take panadol or nurofen, cause i've got the kids. Can't take anything stronger because i had no sleep last night, I'm exhausted and I'd fall asleep. I call bman pretty much in tears and say I need you to come home and watch the girls (because living here i don't have anyone to help me out. No family that I can call when I'm sick etc. SO I've pretty much got to suck it up and soldier on - even though when anybody else is sick they get to take sick days... funny that) He's response was 'no - I can't'. Even though just last night he was telling me they're not busy at the moment. He just doesn't WANT to because he can't be bothered with the whinging from his boss. Usually he'll say I can't, I get the shits and that's the end of the conversation. I gotta suck it up. I tried to explain to him today I can't. I am really fucking sore, I need to take something stronger meds wise and lie down. The girls are doing nothing but fight and carry on. I'm having to get up constantly and I need to be able to lay down with a heatpack on and rest it. Sounds fairly simple. But no. He says 'nup, can't do it'. But he's taking tomorrow afternoon off for Mels funeral and he doesn't give a fuck what anyone says at work. He took 8 days off not so long ago in a row because the doctor fucked up a medical certificate and did it for 10 days instead of 1. But when I NEED him here to help with HIS children, he can't? So what am I actually upset about? I'm actually upset that when we were living in Brisbane, my anxiety wasn't that bad. I was getting ALOT better. I was doing things, going out, seeing friends, WORKING, driving etc. I had family around lots of friends around. Had friends over nearly every night. I was in a really good place. Since moving up here, my anxiety has been SHITHOUSE. I have like 2 friends here. Which is great, but we don't get to see each other very much at all. I miss my family. My sister and I talk literally everyday. I hate that I am 2 hours away from her. We're best mates. We get to see each other once every couple of months. I see my mum once every couple of months for about an hour. Because when we go to brisbane to visit for peoples birthdays or whatever we've got sooo many people to see in one day.
So I've sacrificed ALOT to live in this shithole of a place. I fucking hate it. I've hated it since the day I moved here. And I don't want to be the one that says "well I did this for you and I did that for you" to bman, cause I hate begrudging shit. BUT - it's true! I hate this place and if I won lotto tomorrow I'd move back to be closer to my family and friends in a heart beat. The drive from here to brisbane is sooo shit. It's only 1.5 hours but it's annoying and boring. With 2 kids its tiring. And its expensive. Can't afford to do it all the time. Over not having any help when I need it. The kids get a sleepover at their grandparents once every few months. I need a fucking break. Something needs to change... I'm tired of hating this place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)