Verbal Vomit

This is one of those times where I definitely need to blog to stop the noise in my head! Might even get some sleep rather than being awake all night pissed off about it!

So, past few weeks, mum has been getting a shit load of tests done.  We're now waiting for confirmation of whether or not she has Leukemia. It's shitty as hell.    While I love my mother, we have a long long history and at many times it has been very unpleasant between us.  We've put alot of that aside, in the past couple of years but she still really really bloody gets to me. And I let her just walk over me and annoy the hell out of me because frankly, I can't be bothered with the drama of confronting her AND she doesn't own her behaviour. So in the end I end up getting more upset because of it.  So why has it come to a head, now?

I've started my Diploma of Early Education and Care. I am sooo excited about it. Have been for weeks and was counting down the hours to when I could actually start on Monday! My sister was so supportive and just as excited I was. Which was just how she is! .... My mother on the other hand? Not.one.word.  She can't say she didn't know, because the woman is on facebook all the time, I can't even fart without her knowing and then ringing me straight away to ask me about something she's seen on facebook.  So I knew that she knew, but she didn't say a word! When she would call up, nothing.  But yet, my brother (the apple of mummy and daddy's eye. The baby. The angel) goes to college, and I hear ALLLL about how proud of him she is and how fucking fabulous he is. Blergh.     After about a week, she finally brings it up on the phone and this is how the conversation goes (I shit you not):

Her: So. You're studying
Me: Yes, I'm so excited about it. I started this week
Her: So it's childcare then?
Me: Um yeah it's a Diploma of Early Education and care
Her: Oh. So it's childcare. And you're doing it to be a better mother?
Me: Um.... no? I'm doing it so I can work. It's not just childcare- I can work in child services, be a director of a child care centre.
Her: Oh, I figured you were just doing it to be a better mother, cause you're always complaining about what a hard time the girls give you. The course will help you with that, yeah?
Me: Uh, yeah I guess so? (meanwhile I'm thinking, who the fuck are you to talk about being a better mother when your track record is very long and very sordid)
Her: Oh no not a director.. that's alot of study
Me: Um, no mum that's the course I am doing. It's 3 years.
Her: Oh yeah but being a director is hard. You should just do the childcare bit.

Wow. Thanks for that vote of fucking confidence. I get it. Aim low.  

What upsets me the most is all I ever want from mum and him (my father, who hasn't spoken to me since Christmas) is their support and love and for them to tell me they're proud of me. How bloody hard is that?! You're my parents FFS!  But I never ever get it. And for the life of me, I can't understand why I still let it affect me. Why do I keep expecting anything different? Like I keep waiting for just once they would say they are proud of me. What more do I need to do? I own my own house, I have two children, I'm in a long term relationship, I'm studying, I'm a good person.  Why do I still let it get to me. I shouldn't care whether or not I get their acceptance.  And if it was anyone else, I wouldn't. But it's my parents. And after ALL the bullshit they have put me through, you would think they might just be parents for once.  And I want to say all this to my mother but now she's going through all this testing and shit. I can't.  And tbh, I have said stuff like this before and she manipulates it to make me feel shit for saying. So there's no point. Maybe it's just going to be something that comes with age? I dunno.