Cross Stitching

So this will be post 1 of my 2 blog post day.  I wanted to do two separate ones, otherwise it would of just been one huge mammoth one lol  

So I have been seeing my Psychologist, 'R' for a few weeks.  She's amazing!  I feel so blessed to have found someone who 'gets' me and who is into the sorts of things that I am into spiritually.  Its nice to have someone to just sit there and listen. And actually listen- not just fain interest whilst thinking about their own stuff.  But after the couple of sessions that I have had with her, I know that I have a crapload of self esteem issues. Which is just the root of all if not of my problems.  I judge myself based on other people constantly. 'Im not a good mother because I don't do what that person over there does' or 'why can't I have a figure like her'. The list goes on really.

In my last session I said to 'R' that I felt like a complete sack of crap taking miss 4 to her first week of school.  While waiting for Miss 4 to come out of class, I stood there amongst all the other mothers.  I noticed  how they looked nice with their makeup and hair done.  They all stood around talking and laughing and looked happy and secure with themselves. And there here was me. This loser. Who stood there looking like shit, no makeup, pimples on her face (that time of the month, fun fun eh'), hair with regrowth- not been cut in goodness knows how long, the list goes on. I *felt* like I looked like utter crap compared to these mothers. Picking miss 4 up that day (and pretty much everyday seeing these mothers) made me feel so deflated.  Down on myself. Not worthy etc etc.  Then 'R' said the best thing that anyone has ever said to me. 'Have you ever seen someone do cross stitching?' ... 'Um, yeah?'...'Well, you know how the pictures on that circle look sooo beautiful. So intricate and perfect. All the details are just perfect?" .... 'Um, yeah?' * I was at this point thinking, wtf are we talking about Cross Stitching for?* ... 'Well have you ever seen the back of one of those cross stitches?' .... *I think about it*....'yes'.....'Well what does it look like?' ...'A mess'.....' Yes, a complete mess. There's shit everywhere isn't there? so next time you think that about yourself when you see these women, or other women that make you feel like that, picture them holding up a cross stitch pattern. Cause while it looks pretty and perfect to you,  the bit facing them is messy as shit'.   Seriously made so much sense.  Not only that but she also pointed out to me when I said 'I want to be one of those women that gets up and wears makeup and has her hair done all nice and looks nice'.  'You want to have to put make up on everyday, just for a 10 minute job? The reason those women coat their faces with makeup for a school drop off is because they're insecure themselves'.  So much put in perspective these past few weeks. Something simply explained by 'R' and I see how the way I think and feel can have such a negative impact on me.  I can spend the rest of my life comparing myself to other people and it won't get me anywhere.  I need to give myself a break and stop being so judgemental to MYSELF.  I am a good person!  I am loved.  And my happiness or self esteem doesn't need to rely on anyone else's validation or acceptance. I am me. And the me that I am becoming, well she is pretty bloody awesome.