Standing on the outside

Knees shaking, Legs weak, stomach churning. Mind racing. Thoughts, so many thoughts throwing themselves at me. “Turn back now. Stop. Just stop. You can't do this. Something bad is going to happen”. My inner demon, telling me, shouting at me. You can't do this. Welcome to the world of Anxiety. The devil on my back. The black dog that sits firmly on my chest. For so many years, this has been my life. My reality. But now here I am. Fighting back and standing up. Saying NO! To the voice, no to the knees that shake, the legs that go weak and no to the stomach that churns. Have I fully silenced it? No. But it is a hell of a lot quieter, getting quieter everyday. And even when it becomes a distant whisper, I will continue to fight.

I think back to when my Anxiety first started. Or try to pinpoint its birth in my life. There are so many different times in my life where it could of started. Maybe it started before I recognised the signs. Like a tiny scab that I had ignored for so long just festering away. Getting bigger and bigger until I could ignore it no longer. Was it the negativity that I was surrounded by at home? Was it the sexual abuse that I suffered at the hands of a family friend, as a child? Was it the feeling of having to be strong for so long that there just came a day where my soul said enough is enough- stop pretending? One of the traits of my personality is that I constantly want to know why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? But after a lot of soul searching and hard work I have changed it from why me? To what lesson can I learn from this experience. What did I need to learn. I held in so much anger and hate and hurt, for so long. I spent my teenage years so angry at the world. Angry at my parents. Angry at well, everything. I spent my time telling people I didn't care what other people thought of me. I didn't care about other people. I just went on with my life, doing what I wanted, when I wanted and if people didn't like it, then stiff, pretty much. I was, during that time, the example of everything I loathe in a person. But then I guess it was easier than having to deal with my emotions, wasn't it.

Even before I started my counselling I spent my time helping other people solve their problems to avoid having to really take a hard look at my own. I would become so invested in my friends problems that I would almost take it personally. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat, I would constantly worry. It took a rather large breakdown for me to realise that once again, I was avoiding what needed to be done. So here I am. 3 months into my therapy. Never in a million years would I have imagined I would be where I am now in a matter of 3 months. I've gone from literally not being able to leave my home to do something simple like get milk, Not be able to interact happily with my children, because I was so caught up in my own thinking to just pushing through, every day. Taking my daughter to and from school everyday (and even more recently, walking her) , going shopping, making new friends and spending time with them. The things I have done recently are endless. I saw my therapist today and my words to her were “I am a fucking rockstar”. And I am. I haven't really sat back and felt good about the things I have done. The work that I have done. There have been so many times where I have wanted to just crawl back under my rock. Avoid it a little longer. Someone else will do it, right?

When in 27 years has 'someone else' done it? I have always done it on my own. I suffered through my own turmoil without anyone else being there to help me. I hated the world in silence. No one else knew. Do I regret this? NO. Because it has made me who I am and given me the tools and taught me the lessons that I needed to know. So yes, I can bury my head under the rock and ignore it all and go back to not leaving the house. Not going anywhere. Being miserable. Or I can keep pushing through and getting better and stronger everyday. I am a good person. I know that. I am not the angry world hating teenager I once was. I have grown and evolved. I am loving, I am passionate, I have compassion, I have empathy. I love fiercely and deeply. Can I have a short fuse? Yes, that is something that takes some practice. But everyday I practice my mindfulness and strive to feel positive and happy. As I drop the negativity from my life, I notice so many changes. Spiritually and mentally. I feel such a huge change in my life and how I look at the world. And all I know is I can't surround myself around constantly negative people. I have worked too hard. I have to let the guilt of leaving people behind, go. This is my journey and I deserve to feel proud of myself and deserve appreciate the hard work that I have achieved. With no one elses help. I've done this. And i'll keep doing it. Nothing will stop me now.