This week has been such a strange, sad, confusing week. So many crazy things happen in this world that make you stop and think. I realise it's been a while since I've blogged and I don't know why. I sort of get to the point where I can't be bothered. But in light of recent weeks I realise that its my writing that helps me to vent and in turn make myself feel better.
Unfortunately the first blog post after my hiatus isn't a tale of happier times- I wish it were. Although it's not all bad I do have news in regards to my own mental health, but first I need to quickly mention the events that took place this week that have broken my heart and made me so sad. Saturday morning I was awoken by Brendan telling me that a) he was going up the road to get coffees and would I like one and b) that there was another senseless shooting in the US. I must say I am sad to admit that although I was sad I wasn't shocked as such. I mean its America, and it happens so often. But before I'd even had the time to respond I heard him utter the words that I thought never imaginable. It was children. The youngest being 6 (which is what reports at the time had said). You know those times where you're half asleep and trying to make sense of what someone is saying ? And because you're still half asleep you still don't really know if what you've just heard was real? That's what I was experiencing. Since Saturday morning I have shed so many tears seeing it on the news. Seeing my own (almost) 5 year old daughter playing and thinking to myself 'holy shit, they were like HER age'. Wondering to myself how anyone could physically hurt a CHILD in such a way? I just..... I can't wrap my head around it and it frustrates me. I don't even feel anger towards the boy (which lets face it, at 20 years old, is all he was). I just feel numb. And sad. "Normal" people don't do this stuff. I think too often people condemn the perpetrator of such horrendous crimes but never stop to ask WHY? How troubled must you be to get to THAT point? The whole situation is sad. But that's all I can say on the matter for now.
On to a different topic, I am currently coming off my Anti Depressants. About 3 weeks ago I came to the realisation that these meds are not for me. I'm now on Med number 4. All of them have started off and gradually had to make my way up to 150 odd mgs and then ending up having to switch to something else because its not working. So instead of going on yet another drug I've decided to come off. I don't agree with how I was "diagnosed" or how I've been treated in the 6 odd years that I've been medicated. I feel angry that I have educated myself on what drugs I've been on as well as my "condition" (which btw I don't even feel that I really have - again, was never diagnosed) than any doctor has ever educated me.
So 3 weeks ago I started doing 120mg one day then 60mg the next day. Insert a day of EPIC panic attacks in which I had to call the hubby home from work and we were well on our way :/ It truly wasn't pleasant. Then insert my Parent-in-laws coming for the weekend to help us build our back deck. Which most people would go 'yeah ok? and?'. Well for me its a big EEEKKK. I adore my Parent in laws and they don't know about me being medicated or about my Anxiety. At all. We've never told them. The reason are pretty black and white. I don't want them to think differently of me, tip toe around me, worry about their son being with someone "crazy"... list goes on. Totally irrational as most people will say, but it is what it is.
Well, I surprised myself. Not only am I onto week 3. Where I am now just 60 mg a day (which I will stay on till after christmas) but I managed to do just fine with my parent in laws here. I even helped build a deck! I've never even used a drill before, and here I was up at 5am like a total pro building a deck! And I went all day! I couldn't walk for days afterwards, but I did it!!! The sense of satisfaction was FAR beyond what I ever imagined. Sitting back on the last day of building the deck after everyone had left, I sipped my cuppa and thought to myself "wow...coming of medication, dealing with my in laws being here and trying to hide the Anxiety I was feeling inside and I helped build a deck!!!" I was immensely proud of myself. And even more so now that it's been 3 odd weeks. There have been times where it's been a bit scary because it's been so long since I've not had medication in my system. As I cut down I notice lots of different emotions and feelings. Its good. Daunting, but good. The past 3 or so days I have felt so "normal" that I have been getting anxious about feeling normal lol! How stupid is that! All in all though, I am looking forward to being medication free and seeing how I feel. Trying not to get ahead of myself and just think I'll be "fixed" or think that I won't have to go back on something. But for now I am feeling good and confident. And realising there's lots more that I need to work on. I need to work on my self esteem. Getting back into my exercise and dieting will help with that. But for now... I think that's enough. Baby steps....
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