This could potentially be a very quick post considering the tantrum that Miss 4 is carrying on with at the moment in time out. (8am tantrums, you know its going to be a long arse day eh). Was going to come on and blog last night while I was feeling so great, but got sidetracked lol
So after dinner last night, I said to the hubby that I felt like something for dessert. Looking at the time I thought hrm ok I've got about 40 minutes until the shops shuts. Now, for those of you not following, I've been tapering off my medication for 3 weeks now. I haven't left the house in 3 weeks. And before then, it was only if I really needed to. Ie; doctors appointment. So the hubby was showering the girls and I was fliffing about procrastinating about going to the shops. "yes you can do it. No, you can't do it, you haven't gone out of the house since coming down off your meds". This was the back and forth going through my mind. I told Brendan what I wanted to do. He grabbed the keys, wallet and phone, shoved them in my hand and said Go! You can do it! So I got in the car! Drove down the road! ......... and chickened out :(
Did a U-turn and came home. Walked inside feeling very defeated and sad. And from the look on the hubby's face I could tell he was feeling much the same. I felt more sad that I'd disappointed him. Of course he was awesome as always and said 'Its ok, got my hopes up a little bit, but no matter we'll try again tomorrow'. Well, no that was too much for me to handle! So I grabbed my keys and wallet and marched myself straight back out to that car. Drove down the road, drove TO THE SHOPS. Got out, went into the shops and proceeded to get the things I needed as well as having a bit of a look around. I swear the chick at the counter must of though 'wtf is this chicks problem' cause I was on a super high!
I practically skipped out of the shops and got in my car. Did a bit of a 'woo-hoo' jigg lol and called the one person I knew would be just as excited as I was- my sister. I said "Guess where I am?!?!" she replied with "outside the house?". "yes!" I replied "I'm down the shops.... ON MY OWN". Well needless to say she was just as excited as I was. If we could of high fived each other then and there we totally would of lol
To be honest, I think B's was expecting me to come back empty handed again. But as I drove into the driveway I beeped my horn furiously and leapt out of the car with my shopping bag in hand! The look on his face was the best! He was so stoked. And I was so stoked!!!
I realise, to many people they would be like "oh yeah, you went to the shops" ????? And it wouldn't be a big deal. Believe me, the rational 'normal' part of my brain realises how ridiculous it is that Anxiety stops me from doing certain things. But for me this was a HUGE win. The fact I was able to do this coming down off my meds. To feel the fear and do it anyway! To not accept feeling defeated and to challenge myself.... Seriously made me so happy. And this morning I am still on a huge high!!! I know I won't be cured overnight of this shitty Anxiety. And it will be baby steps. But every baby step gets me closer to the goal and am so excited about this journey.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Making sense of the Senselessness
This week has been such a strange, sad, confusing week. So many crazy things happen in this world that make you stop and think. I realise it's been a while since I've blogged and I don't know why. I sort of get to the point where I can't be bothered. But in light of recent weeks I realise that its my writing that helps me to vent and in turn make myself feel better.
Unfortunately the first blog post after my hiatus isn't a tale of happier times- I wish it were. Although it's not all bad I do have news in regards to my own mental health, but first I need to quickly mention the events that took place this week that have broken my heart and made me so sad. Saturday morning I was awoken by Brendan telling me that a) he was going up the road to get coffees and would I like one and b) that there was another senseless shooting in the US. I must say I am sad to admit that although I was sad I wasn't shocked as such. I mean its America, and it happens so often. But before I'd even had the time to respond I heard him utter the words that I thought never imaginable. It was children. The youngest being 6 (which is what reports at the time had said). You know those times where you're half asleep and trying to make sense of what someone is saying ? And because you're still half asleep you still don't really know if what you've just heard was real? That's what I was experiencing. Since Saturday morning I have shed so many tears seeing it on the news. Seeing my own (almost) 5 year old daughter playing and thinking to myself 'holy shit, they were like HER age'. Wondering to myself how anyone could physically hurt a CHILD in such a way? I just..... I can't wrap my head around it and it frustrates me. I don't even feel anger towards the boy (which lets face it, at 20 years old, is all he was). I just feel numb. And sad. "Normal" people don't do this stuff. I think too often people condemn the perpetrator of such horrendous crimes but never stop to ask WHY? How troubled must you be to get to THAT point? The whole situation is sad. But that's all I can say on the matter for now.
On to a different topic, I am currently coming off my Anti Depressants. About 3 weeks ago I came to the realisation that these meds are not for me. I'm now on Med number 4. All of them have started off and gradually had to make my way up to 150 odd mgs and then ending up having to switch to something else because its not working. So instead of going on yet another drug I've decided to come off. I don't agree with how I was "diagnosed" or how I've been treated in the 6 odd years that I've been medicated. I feel angry that I have educated myself on what drugs I've been on as well as my "condition" (which btw I don't even feel that I really have - again, was never diagnosed) than any doctor has ever educated me.
So 3 weeks ago I started doing 120mg one day then 60mg the next day. Insert a day of EPIC panic attacks in which I had to call the hubby home from work and we were well on our way :/ It truly wasn't pleasant. Then insert my Parent-in-laws coming for the weekend to help us build our back deck. Which most people would go 'yeah ok? and?'. Well for me its a big EEEKKK. I adore my Parent in laws and they don't know about me being medicated or about my Anxiety. At all. We've never told them. The reason are pretty black and white. I don't want them to think differently of me, tip toe around me, worry about their son being with someone "crazy"... list goes on. Totally irrational as most people will say, but it is what it is.
Well, I surprised myself. Not only am I onto week 3. Where I am now just 60 mg a day (which I will stay on till after christmas) but I managed to do just fine with my parent in laws here. I even helped build a deck! I've never even used a drill before, and here I was up at 5am like a total pro building a deck! And I went all day! I couldn't walk for days afterwards, but I did it!!! The sense of satisfaction was FAR beyond what I ever imagined. Sitting back on the last day of building the deck after everyone had left, I sipped my cuppa and thought to myself "wow...coming of medication, dealing with my in laws being here and trying to hide the Anxiety I was feeling inside and I helped build a deck!!!" I was immensely proud of myself. And even more so now that it's been 3 odd weeks. There have been times where it's been a bit scary because it's been so long since I've not had medication in my system. As I cut down I notice lots of different emotions and feelings. Its good. Daunting, but good. The past 3 or so days I have felt so "normal" that I have been getting anxious about feeling normal lol! How stupid is that! All in all though, I am looking forward to being medication free and seeing how I feel. Trying not to get ahead of myself and just think I'll be "fixed" or think that I won't have to go back on something. But for now I am feeling good and confident. And realising there's lots more that I need to work on. I need to work on my self esteem. Getting back into my exercise and dieting will help with that. But for now... I think that's enough. Baby steps....
Unfortunately the first blog post after my hiatus isn't a tale of happier times- I wish it were. Although it's not all bad I do have news in regards to my own mental health, but first I need to quickly mention the events that took place this week that have broken my heart and made me so sad. Saturday morning I was awoken by Brendan telling me that a) he was going up the road to get coffees and would I like one and b) that there was another senseless shooting in the US. I must say I am sad to admit that although I was sad I wasn't shocked as such. I mean its America, and it happens so often. But before I'd even had the time to respond I heard him utter the words that I thought never imaginable. It was children. The youngest being 6 (which is what reports at the time had said). You know those times where you're half asleep and trying to make sense of what someone is saying ? And because you're still half asleep you still don't really know if what you've just heard was real? That's what I was experiencing. Since Saturday morning I have shed so many tears seeing it on the news. Seeing my own (almost) 5 year old daughter playing and thinking to myself 'holy shit, they were like HER age'. Wondering to myself how anyone could physically hurt a CHILD in such a way? I just..... I can't wrap my head around it and it frustrates me. I don't even feel anger towards the boy (which lets face it, at 20 years old, is all he was). I just feel numb. And sad. "Normal" people don't do this stuff. I think too often people condemn the perpetrator of such horrendous crimes but never stop to ask WHY? How troubled must you be to get to THAT point? The whole situation is sad. But that's all I can say on the matter for now.
On to a different topic, I am currently coming off my Anti Depressants. About 3 weeks ago I came to the realisation that these meds are not for me. I'm now on Med number 4. All of them have started off and gradually had to make my way up to 150 odd mgs and then ending up having to switch to something else because its not working. So instead of going on yet another drug I've decided to come off. I don't agree with how I was "diagnosed" or how I've been treated in the 6 odd years that I've been medicated. I feel angry that I have educated myself on what drugs I've been on as well as my "condition" (which btw I don't even feel that I really have - again, was never diagnosed) than any doctor has ever educated me.
So 3 weeks ago I started doing 120mg one day then 60mg the next day. Insert a day of EPIC panic attacks in which I had to call the hubby home from work and we were well on our way :/ It truly wasn't pleasant. Then insert my Parent-in-laws coming for the weekend to help us build our back deck. Which most people would go 'yeah ok? and?'. Well for me its a big EEEKKK. I adore my Parent in laws and they don't know about me being medicated or about my Anxiety. At all. We've never told them. The reason are pretty black and white. I don't want them to think differently of me, tip toe around me, worry about their son being with someone "crazy"... list goes on. Totally irrational as most people will say, but it is what it is.
Well, I surprised myself. Not only am I onto week 3. Where I am now just 60 mg a day (which I will stay on till after christmas) but I managed to do just fine with my parent in laws here. I even helped build a deck! I've never even used a drill before, and here I was up at 5am like a total pro building a deck! And I went all day! I couldn't walk for days afterwards, but I did it!!! The sense of satisfaction was FAR beyond what I ever imagined. Sitting back on the last day of building the deck after everyone had left, I sipped my cuppa and thought to myself "wow...coming of medication, dealing with my in laws being here and trying to hide the Anxiety I was feeling inside and I helped build a deck!!!" I was immensely proud of myself. And even more so now that it's been 3 odd weeks. There have been times where it's been a bit scary because it's been so long since I've not had medication in my system. As I cut down I notice lots of different emotions and feelings. Its good. Daunting, but good. The past 3 or so days I have felt so "normal" that I have been getting anxious about feeling normal lol! How stupid is that! All in all though, I am looking forward to being medication free and seeing how I feel. Trying not to get ahead of myself and just think I'll be "fixed" or think that I won't have to go back on something. But for now I am feeling good and confident. And realising there's lots more that I need to work on. I need to work on my self esteem. Getting back into my exercise and dieting will help with that. But for now... I think that's enough. Baby steps....
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Realisations
I've always been the sort of person that has long long friendships with people. I don't have LOADS of best mates. Just a select few that are pretty much like my family. Then of course the casual acquaintances and friends who are friends, but not ones you see all the time and hang out a lot.
Unfortunately for me, when I have a strong strong friendship with someone, I become deathly loyal. Most people would argue that it is a good thing. But most the time for me it's not because it ends up almost being a binding contract for the rest of my life to stick by this person no matter what they throw at me. And to a certain extent I suppose, it's a good thing. Other times not so much. Right now for instance I struggle with a dilemma with a certain friend. Unbeknownst to her of course.
Many moons ago, when I met my dear partner Bman, I also met his flat mate 'L'. Quickly we became very very close and during a dark time in my life she offered me a place to live. (ultimately though if Bman had of said no he didn't want me to live there well then I wouldn't of) For a long time 'L' and I were basically glued at the hip. And eventually, when Bman and I moved out into our own place and I fell pregnant with our first daughter Miss A, I asked 'L' to be her godmother. In 4 years the extent of L's presence in Miss A's life has been nothing short of abysmal. She threw my baby shower when I was pregnant (at my house) and then came here for A's birthday last year.
But it's not even the Godmother stuff that I really struggle with. L has always been the sort of person who just got herself into dramas with men. All the time. The one who I hold most resentment towards was the one she was with when I first met her. 'J'. A dole bludging pot head so scunged off her for 10 years then one day up and left her stealing her 80 year old fathers credit card. All he left was a note, that was it. It was horrible seeing how upset and hurt she was. Then after that it was one bloke who was sleeping around at brothels while with her, another one who was basically her sugar daddy and a total prick, then she moved out of Brisbane to Nanango and there's been more drop kicks there. Usually I just comfort her and listen to her and give her the sort of advice that a close friend gives when their best mate is going through these sorts of relationship drama's. Lately though, its gone beyond that. She met a bloke 20+ years her senior, had a kid with him who is Miss P's age (2 in december). They've had drama's since they first met. Got to the point where they couldn't drink around each other because they would fight. When she was in hospital giving birth to her premature baby he wasn't even there, when she was in recovery and her baby was in the SCU he was ringing her at night abusing her calling her useless and all sorts of garbage (what a catch eh). It was then that I heard the same line I'd heard with all the other blokes ... she was 'done'. Cut to about a month ago, she still wasn't done. They'd broke up, got back together that many times. Now he started beating her. Beat her that bad he put her in hospital. So now it's apparently "really" over. And she rings me for a good 2 hours telling me all about how it's over with L, she won't be treated like that bla bla bla. Then in the same breath tells me she got back in contact with J and hes coming to live with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like seriously the amount of times we have helped this retard is beyond a joke. Last time was when he was in Melb and suicidal and pulled a knife on the police. Oh and then was the incident when he came to my house got blind rotten drunk and I had only been a week out of hospital with a cesarian and he nearly squashed my week old baby. That night ended up ripping his eyelids off and to this day, no one knows how. I'm angry because its J ... and we've been down this road soo many times. And the councelling and comforting involved in anything to do with J is just painful and tiring. It upsets me that she's just putting her son through all this shit. That is fundamentally what irritates me the most. Few weeks ago she left him in the car with the dog to go into the shops. When she was called over the monitor she abused the people standing around her car because they were upset with her leaving her baby in the car.
I can tolerate a fair amount of shit. 9 times out 10 I won't judge a friend for shit they do, and I try to be there as much as possible. Sometimes to the detriment of my own health and sanity! But with L .... I just feel.... done. I've got 2 inboxes that I haven't replied to from her. The latest telling me that she's met a fantastic bloke who's so amazing and he's got 3 kids and they're so amazing bla bla bla like I've heard it all before. J was amazing, D was amazing, L was amazing... all were amazing. I don't have it in me to pick up the pieces with her anymore. She doesn't ever ring me up to say "hey Kirsty, how are YOU doing" ... or "how is my god-daughter". Nothing. And I haven't responded because at this point in time I honestly don't know how. I feel as though the only reason I've stuck it out the past year is because I owe it to her. She gave me somewhere to live when I really needed it. But I can't keep this friendship going based on obligation. I just haven't got anything left in me. Pretty sure how crappy I feel after she rings me and shoves her problems down my throat and hangs up, is a clear indicator that its done. Over.
Unfortunately for me, when I have a strong strong friendship with someone, I become deathly loyal. Most people would argue that it is a good thing. But most the time for me it's not because it ends up almost being a binding contract for the rest of my life to stick by this person no matter what they throw at me. And to a certain extent I suppose, it's a good thing. Other times not so much. Right now for instance I struggle with a dilemma with a certain friend. Unbeknownst to her of course.
Many moons ago, when I met my dear partner Bman, I also met his flat mate 'L'. Quickly we became very very close and during a dark time in my life she offered me a place to live. (ultimately though if Bman had of said no he didn't want me to live there well then I wouldn't of) For a long time 'L' and I were basically glued at the hip. And eventually, when Bman and I moved out into our own place and I fell pregnant with our first daughter Miss A, I asked 'L' to be her godmother. In 4 years the extent of L's presence in Miss A's life has been nothing short of abysmal. She threw my baby shower when I was pregnant (at my house) and then came here for A's birthday last year.
But it's not even the Godmother stuff that I really struggle with. L has always been the sort of person who just got herself into dramas with men. All the time. The one who I hold most resentment towards was the one she was with when I first met her. 'J'. A dole bludging pot head so scunged off her for 10 years then one day up and left her stealing her 80 year old fathers credit card. All he left was a note, that was it. It was horrible seeing how upset and hurt she was. Then after that it was one bloke who was sleeping around at brothels while with her, another one who was basically her sugar daddy and a total prick, then she moved out of Brisbane to Nanango and there's been more drop kicks there. Usually I just comfort her and listen to her and give her the sort of advice that a close friend gives when their best mate is going through these sorts of relationship drama's. Lately though, its gone beyond that. She met a bloke 20+ years her senior, had a kid with him who is Miss P's age (2 in december). They've had drama's since they first met. Got to the point where they couldn't drink around each other because they would fight. When she was in hospital giving birth to her premature baby he wasn't even there, when she was in recovery and her baby was in the SCU he was ringing her at night abusing her calling her useless and all sorts of garbage (what a catch eh). It was then that I heard the same line I'd heard with all the other blokes ... she was 'done'. Cut to about a month ago, she still wasn't done. They'd broke up, got back together that many times. Now he started beating her. Beat her that bad he put her in hospital. So now it's apparently "really" over. And she rings me for a good 2 hours telling me all about how it's over with L, she won't be treated like that bla bla bla. Then in the same breath tells me she got back in contact with J and hes coming to live with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like seriously the amount of times we have helped this retard is beyond a joke. Last time was when he was in Melb and suicidal and pulled a knife on the police. Oh and then was the incident when he came to my house got blind rotten drunk and I had only been a week out of hospital with a cesarian and he nearly squashed my week old baby. That night ended up ripping his eyelids off and to this day, no one knows how. I'm angry because its J ... and we've been down this road soo many times. And the councelling and comforting involved in anything to do with J is just painful and tiring. It upsets me that she's just putting her son through all this shit. That is fundamentally what irritates me the most. Few weeks ago she left him in the car with the dog to go into the shops. When she was called over the monitor she abused the people standing around her car because they were upset with her leaving her baby in the car.
I can tolerate a fair amount of shit. 9 times out 10 I won't judge a friend for shit they do, and I try to be there as much as possible. Sometimes to the detriment of my own health and sanity! But with L .... I just feel.... done. I've got 2 inboxes that I haven't replied to from her. The latest telling me that she's met a fantastic bloke who's so amazing and he's got 3 kids and they're so amazing bla bla bla like I've heard it all before. J was amazing, D was amazing, L was amazing... all were amazing. I don't have it in me to pick up the pieces with her anymore. She doesn't ever ring me up to say "hey Kirsty, how are YOU doing" ... or "how is my god-daughter". Nothing. And I haven't responded because at this point in time I honestly don't know how. I feel as though the only reason I've stuck it out the past year is because I owe it to her. She gave me somewhere to live when I really needed it. But I can't keep this friendship going based on obligation. I just haven't got anything left in me. Pretty sure how crappy I feel after she rings me and shoves her problems down my throat and hangs up, is a clear indicator that its done. Over.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
It's a GUT THING!
I've had these thoughts floating around in my head. So I figured I need to do a blogpost about it to pile them all together because this is just something that is so frustrating and I'm sure that there are people like me who have been in the dark about it.
So for a while I have been astounded at how many deficiencies (vitamin and mineral) mirror the same symptoms as those of Anxiety Disorders and Depression. It was quite interesting when I read about it to be honest. I wondered why when you went to the doctor and sprouted off symptoms, that they don't go ok, well your symptoms could be for a whole bunch of reasons lets get some tests done. Instead its 'Ok here's a booklet, here's some tablets. You've got anxiety (or depression) see you later'.
Before I continue, I need to point out that I am in no way saying Anxiety or Depression isn't real. I have been medicated for both of these for 6 years or so now. But the main thing for me is my PTSD - when I am triggered. That's what I need to go speak to someone about. But the ah-ha light bulb moment that has blown my mind...... and i'll try and think before I type cause this is the part where all these thoughts are just buzzing around my head so fast.
.... 90% of the body's seretonin is in the gut. I read this and actually sat there staring at the computer for a good 10 minutes. I had no idea seretonin was in the gut. I thought it was all in the head. And...so...the thoughts...begin. Now it is starting to make sense to me. These people who are morbidly obese are so down and lethargic and unhappy....they lose massive amounts of weight like 50 + kilos and they're happy and healthy and fit and not tired. I did an experiment this week where I had 4 or 5 days without vegetables. I felt lethargic. Unhappy. Tired.. so freaking tired. Anxious. A whole other bunch of symptoms. Someone I know has always had problems going to the toilet. And has also been on anti depressants for 10 years, which she is in the process of coming off now. When she and I read this information about seretonin so many things started making sense! I remember being a bit of a gym junkie when I was about 18... and I was working mental hours... and wasn't tired. Ever. Was having 3 day benders and then going to work for 12 hour night shifts. And I wasn't even a hardcore Gym junkie. I just went usually everyday or every second day. Still wasn't on any special diet. I was 18 lol so it was just eat whatever. But now my mind is just blown. Soooo many things are making sense about my depression/anxiety. And it's not only just about this gut thing. But also just how powerful the mind is. My neighbour was diagnosed with lung cancer. 13 weeks later, dead. He was told he'd see this christmas, maybe not the next one, depending on chemo etc. He didn't even see this christmas. Its like the minute he was told he had cancer, he started dying right then and there. Just gave up. Suffering from anxiety I know just how powerful my mind really is. It will create symptoms and make me feel things. Classic example was this morning- woke up did my usual Sunday things. Brendan got up and was in a fantastic mood. The girls were in a great mood everyone was happy. Brendan was so affectionate to me this morning (not that he isn't usually, but he was overly lovey and affectionate this morning) and it just felt like such a great morning, not a care in the world. Then the brain spoke "Something bad has to happen. It's not possible to be THIS happy and something bad not happen" Because that's what's always happend. And my brain has me "programmed" to feel like that..... so when someone says to you, You have anxiety / depression, take this tablet. You do it, cause you need it right?
Im sure i'll continue this later... at this point I'm stuck. There's too many thoughts at once.. can't actually formulate what I want to say properly lol
So for a while I have been astounded at how many deficiencies (vitamin and mineral) mirror the same symptoms as those of Anxiety Disorders and Depression. It was quite interesting when I read about it to be honest. I wondered why when you went to the doctor and sprouted off symptoms, that they don't go ok, well your symptoms could be for a whole bunch of reasons lets get some tests done. Instead its 'Ok here's a booklet, here's some tablets. You've got anxiety (or depression) see you later'.
Before I continue, I need to point out that I am in no way saying Anxiety or Depression isn't real. I have been medicated for both of these for 6 years or so now. But the main thing for me is my PTSD - when I am triggered. That's what I need to go speak to someone about. But the ah-ha light bulb moment that has blown my mind...... and i'll try and think before I type cause this is the part where all these thoughts are just buzzing around my head so fast.
.... 90% of the body's seretonin is in the gut. I read this and actually sat there staring at the computer for a good 10 minutes. I had no idea seretonin was in the gut. I thought it was all in the head. And...so...the thoughts...begin. Now it is starting to make sense to me. These people who are morbidly obese are so down and lethargic and unhappy....they lose massive amounts of weight like 50 + kilos and they're happy and healthy and fit and not tired. I did an experiment this week where I had 4 or 5 days without vegetables. I felt lethargic. Unhappy. Tired.. so freaking tired. Anxious. A whole other bunch of symptoms. Someone I know has always had problems going to the toilet. And has also been on anti depressants for 10 years, which she is in the process of coming off now. When she and I read this information about seretonin so many things started making sense! I remember being a bit of a gym junkie when I was about 18... and I was working mental hours... and wasn't tired. Ever. Was having 3 day benders and then going to work for 12 hour night shifts. And I wasn't even a hardcore Gym junkie. I just went usually everyday or every second day. Still wasn't on any special diet. I was 18 lol so it was just eat whatever. But now my mind is just blown. Soooo many things are making sense about my depression/anxiety. And it's not only just about this gut thing. But also just how powerful the mind is. My neighbour was diagnosed with lung cancer. 13 weeks later, dead. He was told he'd see this christmas, maybe not the next one, depending on chemo etc. He didn't even see this christmas. Its like the minute he was told he had cancer, he started dying right then and there. Just gave up. Suffering from anxiety I know just how powerful my mind really is. It will create symptoms and make me feel things. Classic example was this morning- woke up did my usual Sunday things. Brendan got up and was in a fantastic mood. The girls were in a great mood everyone was happy. Brendan was so affectionate to me this morning (not that he isn't usually, but he was overly lovey and affectionate this morning) and it just felt like such a great morning, not a care in the world. Then the brain spoke "Something bad has to happen. It's not possible to be THIS happy and something bad not happen" Because that's what's always happend. And my brain has me "programmed" to feel like that..... so when someone says to you, You have anxiety / depression, take this tablet. You do it, cause you need it right?
Im sure i'll continue this later... at this point I'm stuck. There's too many thoughts at once.. can't actually formulate what I want to say properly lol
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Vent or explode
Every now and then we all need a vent eh? A "verbal vomit", if you will. Well that's how I feel right now. I don't usually like to vent about my other half. Because then you tend to get the one or two people that say "ohhh her relationship isn't doing so well" ... which isn't the case, I am cranky, I need to vent. Bman and I are fine, we always are fine. We just fight like every other couple, which I think is healthy. Well it's not even fighting, more of a disagreement, bit of an argue. We don't spend days ignoring each other. And I am almost positive the longest any of our arguments have ever lasted is maybe half an hour. We tend to get over them and resolve them pretty quickly. So my following vent isn't something I resent Bman about, or am going to "make him pay" for, its just a stupid vent that I am fucked off about right now.
So. About 2 years ago Brendan was offered this 'fantastic' job, on the Sunshine Coast. We lived in Brisbane at the time. He was promised all this shit, he was really excited about it. How could I say no? So I had 2 weeks notice. Packed up my whole house, my 1 year old baby and we moved. In 2 weeks. Moved 3 times in 2 years around the Sunshine Coast. Till we finally bought this place we're in now (LEMON!).
The short version is, Bmans boss, is a GIANT douchebag. He doesn't give a shit about his employees, doesn't give a shit about his customers. Just wants to make money and that's it. Makes the boys cut corners etc. Shitty pay (for those who don't know Bman is an Aircraft Reconditioner) and needless to say if Workplace Health and Saftey were to go through there they would get shut down in about 30 seconds. Anyway, Bman is constantly whining about what a shit hole it is , how much he hates it, how much he hates his boss, not enough money, not enough over time bla bla bla ..... He's done this job for 14 years and he's really underpaid for his skills.
Now Bman was only just saying the other day that he would be taking tomorrow afternoon off for Mels funeral and didn't care if work had a problem about it. Fair enough. Until...
Yesterday afternoon I fucked my back. Bman is always saying I should chop my own wood if I want the fire place (ya know because we don't chop wood in advance, it gets chopped every night, as we need it). So yesterday I thought I'd suprise him by chopping the wood and he'd come home to a lit fireplace. Bad. Fucking. Idea. Chopping wood isn't easy, no idea why he thought I'd be able to do it especially when I've never been shown. So i've fucked my back, really bad (on top of the scoliosis which is already sore from this shitty weather). I struggled with it all day until about 1 oclock ... when the dog decided to run out the front door when someone knocked on it and I had to catch him almost going A over T in the wet. I have only been able to take panadol or nurofen, cause i've got the kids. Can't take anything stronger because i had no sleep last night, I'm exhausted and I'd fall asleep. I call bman pretty much in tears and say I need you to come home and watch the girls (because living here i don't have anyone to help me out. No family that I can call when I'm sick etc. SO I've pretty much got to suck it up and soldier on - even though when anybody else is sick they get to take sick days... funny that) He's response was 'no - I can't'. Even though just last night he was telling me they're not busy at the moment. He just doesn't WANT to because he can't be bothered with the whinging from his boss. Usually he'll say I can't, I get the shits and that's the end of the conversation. I gotta suck it up. I tried to explain to him today I can't. I am really fucking sore, I need to take something stronger meds wise and lie down. The girls are doing nothing but fight and carry on. I'm having to get up constantly and I need to be able to lay down with a heatpack on and rest it. Sounds fairly simple. But no. He says 'nup, can't do it'. But he's taking tomorrow afternoon off for Mels funeral and he doesn't give a fuck what anyone says at work. He took 8 days off not so long ago in a row because the doctor fucked up a medical certificate and did it for 10 days instead of 1. But when I NEED him here to help with HIS children, he can't? So what am I actually upset about? I'm actually upset that when we were living in Brisbane, my anxiety wasn't that bad. I was getting ALOT better. I was doing things, going out, seeing friends, WORKING, driving etc. I had family around lots of friends around. Had friends over nearly every night. I was in a really good place. Since moving up here, my anxiety has been SHITHOUSE. I have like 2 friends here. Which is great, but we don't get to see each other very much at all. I miss my family. My sister and I talk literally everyday. I hate that I am 2 hours away from her. We're best mates. We get to see each other once every couple of months. I see my mum once every couple of months for about an hour. Because when we go to brisbane to visit for peoples birthdays or whatever we've got sooo many people to see in one day.
So I've sacrificed ALOT to live in this shithole of a place. I fucking hate it. I've hated it since the day I moved here. And I don't want to be the one that says "well I did this for you and I did that for you" to bman, cause I hate begrudging shit. BUT - it's true! I hate this place and if I won lotto tomorrow I'd move back to be closer to my family and friends in a heart beat. The drive from here to brisbane is sooo shit. It's only 1.5 hours but it's annoying and boring. With 2 kids its tiring. And its expensive. Can't afford to do it all the time. Over not having any help when I need it. The kids get a sleepover at their grandparents once every few months. I need a fucking break. Something needs to change... I'm tired of hating this place.
So. About 2 years ago Brendan was offered this 'fantastic' job, on the Sunshine Coast. We lived in Brisbane at the time. He was promised all this shit, he was really excited about it. How could I say no? So I had 2 weeks notice. Packed up my whole house, my 1 year old baby and we moved. In 2 weeks. Moved 3 times in 2 years around the Sunshine Coast. Till we finally bought this place we're in now (LEMON!).
The short version is, Bmans boss, is a GIANT douchebag. He doesn't give a shit about his employees, doesn't give a shit about his customers. Just wants to make money and that's it. Makes the boys cut corners etc. Shitty pay (for those who don't know Bman is an Aircraft Reconditioner) and needless to say if Workplace Health and Saftey were to go through there they would get shut down in about 30 seconds. Anyway, Bman is constantly whining about what a shit hole it is , how much he hates it, how much he hates his boss, not enough money, not enough over time bla bla bla ..... He's done this job for 14 years and he's really underpaid for his skills.
Now Bman was only just saying the other day that he would be taking tomorrow afternoon off for Mels funeral and didn't care if work had a problem about it. Fair enough. Until...
Yesterday afternoon I fucked my back. Bman is always saying I should chop my own wood if I want the fire place (ya know because we don't chop wood in advance, it gets chopped every night, as we need it). So yesterday I thought I'd suprise him by chopping the wood and he'd come home to a lit fireplace. Bad. Fucking. Idea. Chopping wood isn't easy, no idea why he thought I'd be able to do it especially when I've never been shown. So i've fucked my back, really bad (on top of the scoliosis which is already sore from this shitty weather). I struggled with it all day until about 1 oclock ... when the dog decided to run out the front door when someone knocked on it and I had to catch him almost going A over T in the wet. I have only been able to take panadol or nurofen, cause i've got the kids. Can't take anything stronger because i had no sleep last night, I'm exhausted and I'd fall asleep. I call bman pretty much in tears and say I need you to come home and watch the girls (because living here i don't have anyone to help me out. No family that I can call when I'm sick etc. SO I've pretty much got to suck it up and soldier on - even though when anybody else is sick they get to take sick days... funny that) He's response was 'no - I can't'. Even though just last night he was telling me they're not busy at the moment. He just doesn't WANT to because he can't be bothered with the whinging from his boss. Usually he'll say I can't, I get the shits and that's the end of the conversation. I gotta suck it up. I tried to explain to him today I can't. I am really fucking sore, I need to take something stronger meds wise and lie down. The girls are doing nothing but fight and carry on. I'm having to get up constantly and I need to be able to lay down with a heatpack on and rest it. Sounds fairly simple. But no. He says 'nup, can't do it'. But he's taking tomorrow afternoon off for Mels funeral and he doesn't give a fuck what anyone says at work. He took 8 days off not so long ago in a row because the doctor fucked up a medical certificate and did it for 10 days instead of 1. But when I NEED him here to help with HIS children, he can't? So what am I actually upset about? I'm actually upset that when we were living in Brisbane, my anxiety wasn't that bad. I was getting ALOT better. I was doing things, going out, seeing friends, WORKING, driving etc. I had family around lots of friends around. Had friends over nearly every night. I was in a really good place. Since moving up here, my anxiety has been SHITHOUSE. I have like 2 friends here. Which is great, but we don't get to see each other very much at all. I miss my family. My sister and I talk literally everyday. I hate that I am 2 hours away from her. We're best mates. We get to see each other once every couple of months. I see my mum once every couple of months for about an hour. Because when we go to brisbane to visit for peoples birthdays or whatever we've got sooo many people to see in one day.
So I've sacrificed ALOT to live in this shithole of a place. I fucking hate it. I've hated it since the day I moved here. And I don't want to be the one that says "well I did this for you and I did that for you" to bman, cause I hate begrudging shit. BUT - it's true! I hate this place and if I won lotto tomorrow I'd move back to be closer to my family and friends in a heart beat. The drive from here to brisbane is sooo shit. It's only 1.5 hours but it's annoying and boring. With 2 kids its tiring. And its expensive. Can't afford to do it all the time. Over not having any help when I need it. The kids get a sleepover at their grandparents once every few months. I need a fucking break. Something needs to change... I'm tired of hating this place.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Beginnings
You gotta
start somewhere eh? This, I guess, is my starting place.
So, many
of us at one point in our lives I suppose, have read a "self help"
book of some kind. Probably alot of us who suffer a mental illness can
probably raise their hands and say 'yep, I've done that'. I've read MANY
self help books and thought 'oh dear god, this is shit'. One of those was Feel
the fear and do it anyway. Can't remember the author, and really couldn't be
bothered digging it up to find out. On the other hand though, one of the
really good books I read was 'Don't sweat the small stuff'. It was a great book
and helped me at a time when I really needed it. At the tender age of 18.
The book
at the moment that I am reading is 'Power over Panic- Bronwyn Fox'. If there
are any of you suffering from PTSD or Anxiety and enjoy reading, I couldn't
recommend this book enough. It's fantastic. So unfortunately for you
guys, the next few posts will be referencing this book alot, sorry lol.
In all seriousness though, I feel like I have to post about it. Not only
because I hope that it will help other people in the same boat as me, but
because I read things in this book that I want to elaborate on myself to get it
out of my head. So here goes I guess... Lesson one ...
You know
those times when you have what Oprah calls the 'A-ha' moment? When you're reading
a book or watching a show and its almost as if something jumps out and punches
you in the face as if to say 'DUH'. Well, I have had MANY A-ha moments
whilst reading this book. (almost sounds like I am getting some sort of kick
back for mentioning this book doesn't it haha! I'm not, honestly). So I pretty
much have to jot down some of the stand out moments for me. One of them was;
The ability to dissociate usually begins
in childhood. Some people with an anxiety disorder have a history of childhood
abuse, and the ability to dissociate enabled them to ‘escape’ from this abuse.
People who do not have a background of abuse learnt to dissociate in other
situations, such as being bullied at school or during lessons that they were
not interested in, disliked or could not cope with."
For me personally, this was the part in
the book when I realised, I know this! Subconsciously, I know alot of what she
is saying in this book. And funnily enough she talks about emotionally
vs. intellectually in regards to our anxiety. Intellectually we realise
'this is not right' and we know what we need to do. But
emotionally we can't get our head past the thoughts of 'what if'. Its like
we're stuck IN the actual anxiety.
One of the other major things I have been
struggling with lately is NOT helping everybody else!!! I've always been the
person who is there for everyone. You need someone to talk to? for 3 hours?
sure I'm there. Never mind the fact that when I get off the phone from
listening to your problems I am absolutely exhausted. And who is the one that
suffers after that? Me, my partner, my children. I can't be everything I need
to be to my partner and my children and my self if I am being everything to
everybody else! I always thought that my reasons for being like this was
because I didn't have anyone to 'help' me or 'save' me from my problems growing
up.
· Even
before our anxiety disorder developed, we did not know or feel any sense of
self, any sense of who we are. Our identity is based on the roles we assume in
our life. We are a wife, husband, father, mother, daughter, son, friend, work
colleague. Our identity is based on our own, and other people’s
expectations and perceptions of who we think we should be. We think we need to
be all things to all people, so that people will love us. To accomplish this,
we suppress our feelings, needs and wants- in essence, ourselves. As a result,
our sense of self is ‘externally’ based rather than centred within us. Trying
to be all things to all people takes an enormous amount of energy. It also
takes an enormous amount of strength to continually hold ourselves back, to not
show our feelings and not feel our feelings. To always be pleasant, smiling and
helpful. To take responsibility for everyone else, and to make sure we do all
the above perfectly! We feel inferior and we worry that we will be ‘found
out’ and exposed as being less than perfect.
I've
always known that I am a people pleaser. I want and need people to be happy
with me. Not strangers obviously, but friends and family. I go out of my way to make sure they're all happy and looked after. Always making sure if they need anything I'm there etc. This would have to be one of the biggest things I struggle with. Learning that it's OK to need to look after myself and MY family (my children and my partner). It's not selfish. Even typing that 'its not selfish' I scrunched up my face. Because it still feels selfish! I know that it's something that is going to take time. But I need to develop the art of being able to be there for someone and giving them advice but not getting emotionally invested every.single.time. To the point where I am not sleeping at night because I'm so concerned with how such and such is because she's having a marriage problem or because this person is fighting with her friend or this person is struggling getting pregnant etc (and please if you fit into one of those categories don't think I am talking about YOU personally. I just needed some examples off the top of my head).
I could type forever, but I need to do it in parts. So I shall leave this post with one last quote.
·
Recovery is like peeling an onion. As we
work through the recovery process and peel away the layers, we discover these
inner resources within us, and we find they have been there all along. We just
didn’t know it.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Supermum!!!
Tonights post was going to be about a book I am currently reading. "Power over Panic- by Bronwyn Fox". But that post is sort of a work in progress, so rather than rush it, I've thought of something I'd much rather write about instead.
The past few weeks has been, well, just bullshit really, that's the only word I can think to describe it. I'm not going to go into detail, because this for me is going to be a positive post. But there has been drama's with my 'newly found' adopted sister and it's been stressful and trying, to say the least. After a discussion with the Bman on Thursday night about certain things that were going on, I decided to leave facebook for a week. Just so I wasn't seeing snotty, childish remarks. But also because my head is just not in the right place I need to step away because I just am taking everything so personally. I want to save the world, and fix everybody elses problems and give everybody else advice. When really, it's me that I should be looking after. Anyway, this post isn't about that, but rather about how I am feeling being off it for a few days already. It's actually quite refreshing! I've been playing guitar and reading and just enjoying pottering around the house.
Lately, the past few weeks though, I have felt as thought I'd lost my mojo. Just not feeling my Stay at home mum mojo, to be honest. Doing the bare minimum housework wise, just so its not a crap-hole. Of course the kids have been looked after, being fed and clothed and what not. But the rainy weather hasn't helped either. I have learnt that it really affects my mood, having days and days of rain.
So Friday afternoon, got all the kids stuff ready (was in MAJOR anxiety attack mode) and Bman got home from work and we were off to his mum's place for the night. (Miss A was having a sleepover till Monday). This was the first time in 3 weeks I'd been OUT. So I was really really off tap. Took a valium and slept the 1.5 hour trip to my mother in laws house. Which was really frustrating because I had been soooo loooking forward to seeing them. They'd been away on holidays, then we'd had sick kids etc. The usual Murphy's law kind of stuff I guess. But we'd not seeing them in about 2 months. Which is probably the longest we've not seen them for, in well.....ages! But by time I got there I was fine, glad to see the in laws. Miss A unfortunately was feeling off and didn't say much or do much. I suspect maybe she'd had a sore ear as I'd been trying to get her to eat and stuff during the day and she'd not really taken part in it. So as a result she ended up putting herself to bed at 5.30pm Friday night!!
So what's the title 'Supermum', got to do with anything I hear you ask? Well, over the years, my parent in laws have come across to me as over bearing and just too much in my face. When in reality, that hasn't been the case. It's just been something I haven't been use to. You know, complete unconditional caring. Nothing expected in return, doing it because we love you kind of stuff? I knew that going to my mother in laws house, I would gain my mojo back. I'd even said it to my sister a few days before (not the adopted one). We get there and my mother in law has Pumpkin soup on the go, plus a stew, plus a cake she'd just pulled out of the oven. So it was basically a 3 course meal for dinner. Nothing is ever too much trouble. She just does it. Her kitchen looked like Beirut in between doing all of this. But she wouldn't let me help her clean it. Made me, the father in law and Brendan a cup of tea and brought it out to us while we sat around the lounge room and fire and just chatted about random things - what the kids had been doing, Bman's work and what not.
It wasn't only the 3 course meal that made me just love her all the more. It was just everything. I'm actually feeling teary just thinking about it. Which probably really sounds stupid to people reading this, but I've never known a family, a mum, like this. Woke up in the morning and miss A woke up feeling better than ever!! Which was great. But at 5.30am wanted to go in and see her 'Ma-Ma'. Of course, mainly due to my upbringing I was like noooo way! Trying to shush her to stay quiet until Ma - Ma and Grandad were awake . No sooner though, was Grandad coming out and coaxing both me and miss A into my Mother in laws room where we all sat on her bed and had a cup of tea.
This may be to alot of people, 'normal'. Without going into my life story though, this is NOT normal in my parents household. To cut a long story short, miss 4 has, since birth, had 1 sleep over on her own at my parents house, and 2 or 3 sleepovers WITH me. They live the same distance away from us as Brendans parents. Before we moved to the Sunshine Coast we all lived within 20minutes away from each other, so distance has never been the issue. When there have been sleepovers at my parents place, if the girls woke up at 6am I was hurrying them down the hallway and out into the lounge room constantly shushing them so they wouldn't wake up my parents. Cause that was really something you didn't want to deal with. Mum would maybe get up about 1/2 hour or so after the girls and I were up, but then she would be there as well shushing them so they didn't wake dad. My parents don't randomly call up and say "hey we were wondering if we could have the girls for a sleepover this weekend". They don't even come to see the girls, unless they are already coming up the coast. I could probably count on one hand the amount of times they've seen miss P since she was born. She's 18 months old now. These are just a couple of examples of why there is such a wow factor about my Mother in law. I mean, her house is just gorgeous. She doesn't by any means live in a mansion or anything. She's lived in the same house for the past 20+ years, but its just what she's done with the place and the way she keeps the place. I mean even her Linen cupboard is absolutely immaculate. Mine on the other hand, shambles. And that's not me being down or negative on myself, its just an observation. She's just the definition of house-wife. And she's always been like that and always been so good at it. And it shows! you just have to meet her kids and know that SHE did that.
Last night, whilst pottering around my kitchen. Yes- I know it was a Saturday night and I was cleaning my kitchen, but it was actually really peaceful and cathartic. But I was thinking about certain ways that I do things as a mother or as a housewife. And how when Miss A was a baby, I played so many games with her. I mean she wasn't even 2 and she could count to 15. I just loved reading with her and playing with her and teaching her things. Nothing made me happier than seeing her say something I'd taught her for the first time. And then when Miss P came, life became more hectic and stuff slowed down and now they play together and I just do whatever it is I'm doing. I haven't done crafty things with the girls in ages. Or just sat down and read books with them. Or did playdough with them. I've come to the realisation that I need a routine. Not something I write on the fridge or anything time by time. But I need to have some sort of routine for me so that my house doesn't get chaotic and messy and I spend days cleaning it and the girls entertain themselves. I need to be able to get up in the morning, do an hour or two of 'housewifey' things and then I will have the time to go for a run in the yard or play on the swings or do paintings or whatever we want to do. And instead of leaving what we're having for dinner until the end of the day, think about it in the morning and prepare it, so when it does get to that hectic time of the afternoon where the girls are just over it and start playing up, it's not hard to put dinner on and keep them entertained at the same time. I *NEED* to be a better housewife and mother. And it's funny because I am doing exactly what my mother did. Of course she obviously didn't have facebook and internet back then, but my mum just stopped being 'a mum'. We got to a certain age and mum just, not gave up, but something changed. We went to school and on school holidays we went to vacation care. We were never ever home. 6 weeks of Christmas holidays and we were at Vacation care EVERY day. And no, my mother didn't work. She just wasn't the stay at home mum type. But up until a while ago, I loved being a stay at home mum. No my kids aren't in kindy everyday. Miss A only goes to kindy 2 days a week and Miss P doesn't go at all yet. But the point is, I don't remember mum doing things with me. I don't remember doing crafty things with mum. I remember doing craft things with my vacation care teacher. I don't want to be that mother. I know all kids have their naughty days, but I reckon miss A wouldn't be as naughty if I did more things with her, it's attention seeking behaviour, and I know that. I'm so excited for her to come home tomorrow cause I've done up her room and have written out some recipes I want to do with her tomorrow. Feeling like I've definitely got my mojo back. And am determined to make it stay. There have been times where I've thought I should be doing 'xyz' but I fight it cause I think 'christ it's a Saturday night and I'm folding washing, or I'm ironing' etc. And I fight it because I think geeze I'm 26 years old, this is just lame. But at the end of the day, who is it lame to? This is my life. I am a mother. Would I rather be out clubbing until all hours? No, because i've been there done that and I'm glad I'm not crawling out of a cab at 5am. I'm tired just thinking about that lol. Anyway... babbling .. Just had to get everything out. It's been a great weekend. I'm glad I went.
The past few weeks has been, well, just bullshit really, that's the only word I can think to describe it. I'm not going to go into detail, because this for me is going to be a positive post. But there has been drama's with my 'newly found' adopted sister and it's been stressful and trying, to say the least. After a discussion with the Bman on Thursday night about certain things that were going on, I decided to leave facebook for a week. Just so I wasn't seeing snotty, childish remarks. But also because my head is just not in the right place I need to step away because I just am taking everything so personally. I want to save the world, and fix everybody elses problems and give everybody else advice. When really, it's me that I should be looking after. Anyway, this post isn't about that, but rather about how I am feeling being off it for a few days already. It's actually quite refreshing! I've been playing guitar and reading and just enjoying pottering around the house.
Lately, the past few weeks though, I have felt as thought I'd lost my mojo. Just not feeling my Stay at home mum mojo, to be honest. Doing the bare minimum housework wise, just so its not a crap-hole. Of course the kids have been looked after, being fed and clothed and what not. But the rainy weather hasn't helped either. I have learnt that it really affects my mood, having days and days of rain.
So Friday afternoon, got all the kids stuff ready (was in MAJOR anxiety attack mode) and Bman got home from work and we were off to his mum's place for the night. (Miss A was having a sleepover till Monday). This was the first time in 3 weeks I'd been OUT. So I was really really off tap. Took a valium and slept the 1.5 hour trip to my mother in laws house. Which was really frustrating because I had been soooo loooking forward to seeing them. They'd been away on holidays, then we'd had sick kids etc. The usual Murphy's law kind of stuff I guess. But we'd not seeing them in about 2 months. Which is probably the longest we've not seen them for, in well.....ages! But by time I got there I was fine, glad to see the in laws. Miss A unfortunately was feeling off and didn't say much or do much. I suspect maybe she'd had a sore ear as I'd been trying to get her to eat and stuff during the day and she'd not really taken part in it. So as a result she ended up putting herself to bed at 5.30pm Friday night!!
So what's the title 'Supermum', got to do with anything I hear you ask? Well, over the years, my parent in laws have come across to me as over bearing and just too much in my face. When in reality, that hasn't been the case. It's just been something I haven't been use to. You know, complete unconditional caring. Nothing expected in return, doing it because we love you kind of stuff? I knew that going to my mother in laws house, I would gain my mojo back. I'd even said it to my sister a few days before (not the adopted one). We get there and my mother in law has Pumpkin soup on the go, plus a stew, plus a cake she'd just pulled out of the oven. So it was basically a 3 course meal for dinner. Nothing is ever too much trouble. She just does it. Her kitchen looked like Beirut in between doing all of this. But she wouldn't let me help her clean it. Made me, the father in law and Brendan a cup of tea and brought it out to us while we sat around the lounge room and fire and just chatted about random things - what the kids had been doing, Bman's work and what not.
It wasn't only the 3 course meal that made me just love her all the more. It was just everything. I'm actually feeling teary just thinking about it. Which probably really sounds stupid to people reading this, but I've never known a family, a mum, like this. Woke up in the morning and miss A woke up feeling better than ever!! Which was great. But at 5.30am wanted to go in and see her 'Ma-Ma'. Of course, mainly due to my upbringing I was like noooo way! Trying to shush her to stay quiet until Ma - Ma and Grandad were awake . No sooner though, was Grandad coming out and coaxing both me and miss A into my Mother in laws room where we all sat on her bed and had a cup of tea.
This may be to alot of people, 'normal'. Without going into my life story though, this is NOT normal in my parents household. To cut a long story short, miss 4 has, since birth, had 1 sleep over on her own at my parents house, and 2 or 3 sleepovers WITH me. They live the same distance away from us as Brendans parents. Before we moved to the Sunshine Coast we all lived within 20minutes away from each other, so distance has never been the issue. When there have been sleepovers at my parents place, if the girls woke up at 6am I was hurrying them down the hallway and out into the lounge room constantly shushing them so they wouldn't wake up my parents. Cause that was really something you didn't want to deal with. Mum would maybe get up about 1/2 hour or so after the girls and I were up, but then she would be there as well shushing them so they didn't wake dad. My parents don't randomly call up and say "hey we were wondering if we could have the girls for a sleepover this weekend". They don't even come to see the girls, unless they are already coming up the coast. I could probably count on one hand the amount of times they've seen miss P since she was born. She's 18 months old now. These are just a couple of examples of why there is such a wow factor about my Mother in law. I mean, her house is just gorgeous. She doesn't by any means live in a mansion or anything. She's lived in the same house for the past 20+ years, but its just what she's done with the place and the way she keeps the place. I mean even her Linen cupboard is absolutely immaculate. Mine on the other hand, shambles. And that's not me being down or negative on myself, its just an observation. She's just the definition of house-wife. And she's always been like that and always been so good at it. And it shows! you just have to meet her kids and know that SHE did that.
Last night, whilst pottering around my kitchen. Yes- I know it was a Saturday night and I was cleaning my kitchen, but it was actually really peaceful and cathartic. But I was thinking about certain ways that I do things as a mother or as a housewife. And how when Miss A was a baby, I played so many games with her. I mean she wasn't even 2 and she could count to 15. I just loved reading with her and playing with her and teaching her things. Nothing made me happier than seeing her say something I'd taught her for the first time. And then when Miss P came, life became more hectic and stuff slowed down and now they play together and I just do whatever it is I'm doing. I haven't done crafty things with the girls in ages. Or just sat down and read books with them. Or did playdough with them. I've come to the realisation that I need a routine. Not something I write on the fridge or anything time by time. But I need to have some sort of routine for me so that my house doesn't get chaotic and messy and I spend days cleaning it and the girls entertain themselves. I need to be able to get up in the morning, do an hour or two of 'housewifey' things and then I will have the time to go for a run in the yard or play on the swings or do paintings or whatever we want to do. And instead of leaving what we're having for dinner until the end of the day, think about it in the morning and prepare it, so when it does get to that hectic time of the afternoon where the girls are just over it and start playing up, it's not hard to put dinner on and keep them entertained at the same time. I *NEED* to be a better housewife and mother. And it's funny because I am doing exactly what my mother did. Of course she obviously didn't have facebook and internet back then, but my mum just stopped being 'a mum'. We got to a certain age and mum just, not gave up, but something changed. We went to school and on school holidays we went to vacation care. We were never ever home. 6 weeks of Christmas holidays and we were at Vacation care EVERY day. And no, my mother didn't work. She just wasn't the stay at home mum type. But up until a while ago, I loved being a stay at home mum. No my kids aren't in kindy everyday. Miss A only goes to kindy 2 days a week and Miss P doesn't go at all yet. But the point is, I don't remember mum doing things with me. I don't remember doing crafty things with mum. I remember doing craft things with my vacation care teacher. I don't want to be that mother. I know all kids have their naughty days, but I reckon miss A wouldn't be as naughty if I did more things with her, it's attention seeking behaviour, and I know that. I'm so excited for her to come home tomorrow cause I've done up her room and have written out some recipes I want to do with her tomorrow. Feeling like I've definitely got my mojo back. And am determined to make it stay. There have been times where I've thought I should be doing 'xyz' but I fight it cause I think 'christ it's a Saturday night and I'm folding washing, or I'm ironing' etc. And I fight it because I think geeze I'm 26 years old, this is just lame. But at the end of the day, who is it lame to? This is my life. I am a mother. Would I rather be out clubbing until all hours? No, because i've been there done that and I'm glad I'm not crawling out of a cab at 5am. I'm tired just thinking about that lol. Anyway... babbling .. Just had to get everything out. It's been a great weekend. I'm glad I went.
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