Standing on the outside

Knees shaking, Legs weak, stomach churning. Mind racing. Thoughts, so many thoughts throwing themselves at me. “Turn back now. Stop. Just stop. You can't do this. Something bad is going to happen”. My inner demon, telling me, shouting at me. You can't do this. Welcome to the world of Anxiety. The devil on my back. The black dog that sits firmly on my chest. For so many years, this has been my life. My reality. But now here I am. Fighting back and standing up. Saying NO! To the voice, no to the knees that shake, the legs that go weak and no to the stomach that churns. Have I fully silenced it? No. But it is a hell of a lot quieter, getting quieter everyday. And even when it becomes a distant whisper, I will continue to fight.

I think back to when my Anxiety first started. Or try to pinpoint its birth in my life. There are so many different times in my life where it could of started. Maybe it started before I recognised the signs. Like a tiny scab that I had ignored for so long just festering away. Getting bigger and bigger until I could ignore it no longer. Was it the negativity that I was surrounded by at home? Was it the sexual abuse that I suffered at the hands of a family friend, as a child? Was it the feeling of having to be strong for so long that there just came a day where my soul said enough is enough- stop pretending? One of the traits of my personality is that I constantly want to know why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? But after a lot of soul searching and hard work I have changed it from why me? To what lesson can I learn from this experience. What did I need to learn. I held in so much anger and hate and hurt, for so long. I spent my teenage years so angry at the world. Angry at my parents. Angry at well, everything. I spent my time telling people I didn't care what other people thought of me. I didn't care about other people. I just went on with my life, doing what I wanted, when I wanted and if people didn't like it, then stiff, pretty much. I was, during that time, the example of everything I loathe in a person. But then I guess it was easier than having to deal with my emotions, wasn't it.

Even before I started my counselling I spent my time helping other people solve their problems to avoid having to really take a hard look at my own. I would become so invested in my friends problems that I would almost take it personally. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat, I would constantly worry. It took a rather large breakdown for me to realise that once again, I was avoiding what needed to be done. So here I am. 3 months into my therapy. Never in a million years would I have imagined I would be where I am now in a matter of 3 months. I've gone from literally not being able to leave my home to do something simple like get milk, Not be able to interact happily with my children, because I was so caught up in my own thinking to just pushing through, every day. Taking my daughter to and from school everyday (and even more recently, walking her) , going shopping, making new friends and spending time with them. The things I have done recently are endless. I saw my therapist today and my words to her were “I am a fucking rockstar”. And I am. I haven't really sat back and felt good about the things I have done. The work that I have done. There have been so many times where I have wanted to just crawl back under my rock. Avoid it a little longer. Someone else will do it, right?

When in 27 years has 'someone else' done it? I have always done it on my own. I suffered through my own turmoil without anyone else being there to help me. I hated the world in silence. No one else knew. Do I regret this? NO. Because it has made me who I am and given me the tools and taught me the lessons that I needed to know. So yes, I can bury my head under the rock and ignore it all and go back to not leaving the house. Not going anywhere. Being miserable. Or I can keep pushing through and getting better and stronger everyday. I am a good person. I know that. I am not the angry world hating teenager I once was. I have grown and evolved. I am loving, I am passionate, I have compassion, I have empathy. I love fiercely and deeply. Can I have a short fuse? Yes, that is something that takes some practice. But everyday I practice my mindfulness and strive to feel positive and happy. As I drop the negativity from my life, I notice so many changes. Spiritually and mentally. I feel such a huge change in my life and how I look at the world. And all I know is I can't surround myself around constantly negative people. I have worked too hard. I have to let the guilt of leaving people behind, go. This is my journey and I deserve to feel proud of myself and deserve appreciate the hard work that I have achieved. With no one elses help. I've done this. And i'll keep doing it. Nothing will stop me now. 

Parent trap

So the second blog post for the day is about yep, you guessed it. Parenting! Sort of.

At my last therapy session with 'R' we spoke about me needing to stop judging myself based on other people and what they do.  So judging my parenting because the lady down the road does it better (for whatever reason be it she has more kids than me, or studies or just looks like she 'has it all together' - whatever 'having it all together' looks like).

I spend my time wishing I was the "perfect" housewife and mother.  After talking to 'R' about this she made me see that I continue to wish these things because I compare them to someone else. I flutter between wanting to be a better mother than my mother and trying to "beat" her and wanting to be just as good as all these other mothers that I know/see.  So my job, from 'R', was to come home and write a list. Of what I think the perfect  mother and housewife is.  So at the end of the day the only standards that I have to compare to are MY OWN.  As long as I stick to my own values then no one else's parenting is anything to do with me personally.  So after thinking about it all weekend. I've got my top 5 things that mean being a good mother to ME and my top 5 things that mean being a good wife/partner to ME.

Being a good mother to me means:

1.  Loving your child unconditionally.
2. Always having time for your child. No matter what it is you're doing. 
3. Always putting your children's well being and needs before anything. 
4. Always try to teach your children as much as possible, even if it means having to learn it yourself first. Be interested in things that they are interested in. 
5. Always ALWAYS make sure you tell them how proud of them you are and how much you love them. 

Being a good wife to me means:

1. Loving your partner unconditionally ( and I totally mean in a loving healthy relationship ) 
2. Listening to your partner and their needs 
3. Being gentle with your words- even in an angry mood/when fighting.  ( I grew up in a household where it was seen as ok to call each other C**** and Arseholes and bitches etc. I don't want that for my relationship) 
4. Making time to do things that your partner is interested in and vice versa. Even if it's not something that really grabs your fancy. 
5. Never going to sleep angry and telling your partner just how much you love them every.single.day. Not only how much you love them, but how much you appreciate them.  

As long as I can look at both my lists and be happy knowing that, that is how I live my life. Then there is never a need to feel insecure. Because going by my lists of being a good mother and a good partner, then I am content. I am happy.   I am the best version of Me. And you can't get any better than that.

Cross Stitching

So this will be post 1 of my 2 blog post day.  I wanted to do two separate ones, otherwise it would of just been one huge mammoth one lol  

So I have been seeing my Psychologist, 'R' for a few weeks.  She's amazing!  I feel so blessed to have found someone who 'gets' me and who is into the sorts of things that I am into spiritually.  Its nice to have someone to just sit there and listen. And actually listen- not just fain interest whilst thinking about their own stuff.  But after the couple of sessions that I have had with her, I know that I have a crapload of self esteem issues. Which is just the root of all if not of my problems.  I judge myself based on other people constantly. 'Im not a good mother because I don't do what that person over there does' or 'why can't I have a figure like her'. The list goes on really.

In my last session I said to 'R' that I felt like a complete sack of crap taking miss 4 to her first week of school.  While waiting for Miss 4 to come out of class, I stood there amongst all the other mothers.  I noticed  how they looked nice with their makeup and hair done.  They all stood around talking and laughing and looked happy and secure with themselves. And there here was me. This loser. Who stood there looking like shit, no makeup, pimples on her face (that time of the month, fun fun eh'), hair with regrowth- not been cut in goodness knows how long, the list goes on. I *felt* like I looked like utter crap compared to these mothers. Picking miss 4 up that day (and pretty much everyday seeing these mothers) made me feel so deflated.  Down on myself. Not worthy etc etc.  Then 'R' said the best thing that anyone has ever said to me. 'Have you ever seen someone do cross stitching?' ... 'Um, yeah?'...'Well, you know how the pictures on that circle look sooo beautiful. So intricate and perfect. All the details are just perfect?" .... 'Um, yeah?' * I was at this point thinking, wtf are we talking about Cross Stitching for?* ... 'Well have you ever seen the back of one of those cross stitches?' .... *I think about it*....'yes'.....'Well what does it look like?' ...'A mess'.....' Yes, a complete mess. There's shit everywhere isn't there? so next time you think that about yourself when you see these women, or other women that make you feel like that, picture them holding up a cross stitch pattern. Cause while it looks pretty and perfect to you,  the bit facing them is messy as shit'.   Seriously made so much sense.  Not only that but she also pointed out to me when I said 'I want to be one of those women that gets up and wears makeup and has her hair done all nice and looks nice'.  'You want to have to put make up on everyday, just for a 10 minute job? The reason those women coat their faces with makeup for a school drop off is because they're insecure themselves'.  So much put in perspective these past few weeks. Something simply explained by 'R' and I see how the way I think and feel can have such a negative impact on me.  I can spend the rest of my life comparing myself to other people and it won't get me anywhere.  I need to give myself a break and stop being so judgemental to MYSELF.  I am a good person!  I am loved.  And my happiness or self esteem doesn't need to rely on anyone else's validation or acceptance. I am me. And the me that I am becoming, well she is pretty bloody awesome.

Baby Steps....

Over the past few weeks, little by little, I find the old me slowly clawing her way back in.  My passion, my drive, my aspirations and desires.  The fighter that I once had in me, is banging loudly on the door and she wants to be let in.

One of the most confronting moments for me this week was doing my mental health plan.  Something I have struggled for so long to get the courage (and I guess urge or care) enough to do.  Seeing the words in black and white on the screen "Childhood Abuse" was probably one of the most confronting parts.  Seeing my doctor sit and stare at me with such sadness and sympathy in her eyes was strange.  I guess for a long long time I never let my past be a "problem" I had this bravado that it was what it was, it was shit, I went through crap but now I was fine. We all have to go through stuff and come out the other end fine, right?  But seeing other peoples reactions and hearing other people say "Hey, that's not ok", makes me realise that it is in fact, not ok. Which sounds stupid but when you live in the same cycle of abuse and have the same mentality for so long it seems "normal".   As well as the most confronting of moments though, it was also one of the most freeing moments.  Meeting my new Psychologist was also like a weight had just been lifted off my shoulders. Since starting this journey of coming down off my medication and seeking help and pushing myself and pushing through otherwise no-go-zone barriers, I just feel myself thinking more and realising more. Good things. Realisations.  Like a whole bunch of light bulb moments going off at once.   Another one was tonight when I was given a link to something so I could read.  There was quite a few moments in this article/book where I smiled and nodded because I knew exactly what it meant.  So I decided to blog about it so I can come back later when I need to remember it. Its called 'A beautiful mess' (www.abeautifulmessinside.com) and it just hit home on so many different levels for me.

                   "She looked at life through her lens and learned to love the mess" 

                                                                     *********

"When you feel broken, you may

just need to let things fall in to

pieces for a bit. We’re taught to

hold it together - to stay in

control. If you hold on too

tightly to the broken bits, you

end up cutting your own hands.

On the other side of breakdown

lies breakthrough."

*********

"When we were children our lives depended on someone else taking care of us. Today
we may feel very alone, unloved, and unworthy. Sure we know better, but in our worst
moments a nagging doubt is there. We may blame others for not caring enough or not
doing it right. The problem is, while others can be loving and caring toward you, only
you can take care of the little girl inside. This usually means learning to ask for help and
making better decisions. Sometimes I feel like I have to pry the mini-mess’s hands off
the steering wheel. She is relentless. She doesn’t like my interference. A'er all, she
drove the bus all by herself for many years."

This quote here was probably the biggest 'ah-ha' moment for me.  'When we were children our lives depended on someone else taking care of us'.  I think for me, physically yes my parents 'took care' of me.  Fed me, clothed me, sheltered me. Emotionally, mentally, though? No. Not at all. If anything it was the other way around.  For a very long time I have shoved away that little girl inside. The little girl who suffered abuse and continued to look after everybody else by not saying anything, so they wouldn't have to feel upset or stressed.  Or the little girl who would look after her mother when she drank too much. Or the little girl who would play mediator to her parents when they fought and broke up and one went and lived in a caravan park, or downstairs in a spare room.   I have never been able to ask for help. I did it on my own for so long. I kept my mouth shut and my feelings to myself for so long. That now, I think getting to the stage where I have with my anxiety it has forced me to stand up and say "I am NOT doing ok. I need help" and to not be ashamed by it.  I need to nurture the little girl inside me.  And love her and care for her.  

"Think of it like this, if you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, you’re not allowed to say

it to yourself. Beating yourself up and being harder on you than others doesn’t work. If

it did, you wouldn’t be reading this. Being gentle with yourself doesn’t mean letting

yourself off the hook to run wild. If change is going to come, you’re going to have to be

the one to do it. You can, however, do it with loving kindness towards yourself (and

others.)

I think of it like I am a foster parent to the mini-mess. She really didn’t want to be

“removed” from her world. She doesn’t trust me or even like me one bit. Finding the

balance between firm and gentle can be a real challenge. I can only earn her trust with

consistency."

Often I have thought about this.  I am always the first person there to help anyone with a problem. I'll listen for hours on end to someone tell me their troubles and help out best I can.  And there is no way I would ever say the things to a close friend/family member, that I do to myself.  I would never call them a failure or be angry at them or judge them or make them feel anymore useless then they probably already do.  So why would I do it to myself?  I need to remind myself that I am worthy of the love and gentleness and good advice.  And the forgiveness when I fall off the wagon and have a bad day.  

I have always said that if someone offered me a million dollars to change my history, I would never do it.  Because it has made me who I am. I have 'No Regrets' tattooed on my wrist for that reason.  

Not the flashiest or the fanciest of tattoo's but its something that has alot of meaning to me

To constantly remind me that it has made me the person I am. And given me the values that I have.  That's not to say that it hasn't hurt or affected me.  Or that I have fully dealt with it.  I need to find a balance of appreciating it as a lesson and healing from it.  Rather than shoving it down into a tiny box.  I've learnt that sooner or later the universe will make you deal with it.  And I have to say, I'm not entirely sorry that it has.  Its liberating. Freeing.  I'm learning to love myself, flaws and all. And it feels good.  Bit by bit I will build up my self esteem which so very long has been shattered. 

New Year, New Post

I'm usually not one for New Year Resolutions.  I think we can all remember at one time or another making a resolution, and then getting to the end of the following year and realising we actually didn't accomplish anything like we'd set out to.   So I guess for me this is more about what goals I want to see myself work towards.  I definitely want to get my Anxiety under control and have been taking some pretty big steps towards that.  Steps that I never in a million years thought I would be able to do.  Thursday is the day I go to do my mental health plan and start making an appointment to see a Psychologist. Which I am pretty stoked about.  But this post is less about all the goals and more about some realisations I have made in the past couple of weeks.  Its been playing on my mind a fair bit so what better way to get it out then to blog about it huh.

It stemmed from a book I have been reading about Overcoming panic and Anxiety.  It has been a really great book because it has brought so many thoughts and realisations to me.  I love that it has made me think outside the square so to speak.

"So many people have commented to me that in times of a major stress they were fine. They were able to look after everyone else, do everything that needed to be done and they can't understand why they are now having problems. And that is the problem. They were not taking care of themselves". 

For a long time I wondered why. Why me? Why did I get Anxiety. One minute I'm fine, then the next I'm not.  And I want to know why.  When I read this paragraph the other day I stopped and had the biggest lightbulb moment.  For a long long time now I've always been the person that puts everybody else before myself.  Even when going through crappy moments myself, I have always managed to make sure everybody else is ok.  The more I thought about it, the more I realised that this hasn't been a recent thing. Not even in say the past 'couple' of years. This has been going on for a LONG time.

At the time of my sexual abuse (and even to this day) I put everybody else BEFORE myself.  I kept my mouth shut about it.  I can remember 3 separate occasions of abuse, whether or not there was more and I blocked it, I'm not sure. But I know that I never said a word.  And not for myself, but for everyone else.  I didn't want my mother to be stressed, because there were times when I was growing up that stress would affect her that badly that she would be hospitalised. I didn't want to be the cause for her having to go back to hospital.  Then of course I kept it quiet for my dad. If he had of found out he would of literally spent the rest of his life in Jail.  Sadly, this isn't an exaggeration of parents finding out that someone has abused their child and says "they'll kill him". This is literally what he would of done.  And so it snowballed from there the reasons why I didn't want to say anything.  Even in my 12 year old rationale, it was much better for 1 person to suffer, rather than a whole bunch of other people be stressed and upset as well.

And for as long as I can remember I have always put people first.  Put myself second.  Solved other peoples problems. Put tonnes and TONNES of time into other peoples problems and how I can help them...... Its only now that I realise most of that is probably just me putting off having to put in the hard work of sorting my own problems out.  I've realised that in the past I have put way too much pressure on myself. Expecting to just "deal" with things that have happened to me and just 'move on'.  For a long time I was able to say to people "yes I've had a crappy upbringing etc and I've lived through different types of abuse, but so have lots of other people, I'm fine, you just have to get on with life and not dwell on it".  Its now that I see I WASN'T dealing at all.  I wasn't as tough as what I thought.  They say everything happens for a reason don't they. Well obviously I needed to STOP and acknowledge a few things. Acknowledge the things that happened to me and acknowledge that I need to for ONCE put myself first.  And its not selfish to look after myself and my own mental health.  Like I once thought.  I struggle with the notion of not putting other people before me.  Its a foreign notion.  I am trying though.  I can still listen to people's problems obviously. But there needs to be a line and I need to not take it on board and take it personally.  Lots of realisations...But I'm glad I'm having them...

The feeling of AMAZING

This could potentially be a very quick post considering the tantrum that Miss 4 is carrying on with at the moment in time out.  (8am tantrums, you know its going to be a long arse day eh).  Was going to come on and blog last night while I was feeling so great, but got sidetracked lol

So after dinner last night, I said to the hubby that I felt like something for dessert.  Looking at the time I thought hrm ok I've got about 40 minutes until the shops shuts.  Now, for those of you not following, I've been tapering off my medication for 3 weeks now.  I haven't left the house in 3 weeks.  And before then, it was only if I really needed to. Ie; doctors appointment.    So the hubby was showering the girls and I was fliffing about procrastinating about going to the shops. "yes you can do it.  No, you can't do it, you haven't gone out of the house since coming down off your meds". This was the back and forth going through my mind.   I told Brendan what I wanted to do. He grabbed the keys, wallet and phone, shoved them in my hand and said Go! You can do it!   So I got in the car! Drove down the road! ......... and chickened out :(
Did a U-turn and came home.  Walked inside feeling very defeated and sad.  And from the look on the hubby's face I could tell he was feeling much the same.  I felt more sad that I'd disappointed him.  Of course he was awesome as always and said 'Its ok, got my hopes up a little bit, but no matter we'll try again tomorrow'.  Well, no that was too much for me to handle! So I grabbed my keys and wallet and marched myself straight back out to that car.  Drove down the road, drove TO THE SHOPS. Got out, went into the shops and proceeded to get the things I needed as well as having a bit of a look around.  I swear the chick at the counter must of though 'wtf is this chicks problem' cause I was on a super high!

I practically skipped out of the shops and got in my car. Did a bit of a 'woo-hoo' jigg lol and called the one person I knew would be just as excited as I was- my sister.  I said "Guess where I am?!?!" she replied with "outside the house?". "yes!" I replied "I'm down the shops.... ON MY OWN". Well needless to say she was just as excited as I was. If we could of high fived each other then and there we totally would of lol

To be honest, I think B's was expecting me to come back empty handed again.  But as I drove into the driveway I beeped my horn furiously and leapt out of the car with my shopping bag in hand! The look on his face was the best! He was so stoked. And I was so stoked!!!

I realise, to many people they would be like "oh yeah, you went to the shops" ????? And it wouldn't be a big deal.  Believe me, the rational 'normal' part of my brain realises how ridiculous it is that Anxiety stops me from doing certain things.  But for me this was a HUGE win. The fact I was able to do this coming down off my meds. To feel the fear and do it anyway!  To not accept feeling defeated and to challenge myself.... Seriously made me so happy.  And this morning I am still on a huge high!!!  I know I won't be cured overnight of this shitty Anxiety. And it will be baby steps.  But every baby step gets me closer to the goal and  am so excited about this journey.

Making sense of the Senselessness

This week has been such a strange, sad, confusing week.  So many crazy things happen in this world that make you stop and think.  I realise it's been a while since I've blogged and I don't know why.  I sort of get to the point where I can't be bothered.  But in light of recent weeks I realise that its my writing that helps me to vent and in turn make myself feel better.

Unfortunately the first blog post after my hiatus isn't a tale of happier times- I wish it were.  Although it's not all bad I do have news in regards to my own mental health, but first I need to quickly mention the events that took place this week that have broken my heart and made me so sad.  Saturday morning I was awoken by Brendan telling me that a) he was going up the road to get coffees and would I like one and b) that there was another senseless shooting in the US.  I must say I am sad to admit that although I was sad I wasn't shocked as such.  I mean its America, and it happens so often.  But before I'd even had the time to respond I heard him utter the words that I thought never imaginable. It was children. The youngest being 6 (which is what reports at the time had said).  You know those times where you're half asleep and trying to make sense of what someone is saying ? And because you're still half asleep you still don't really know if what you've just heard was real? That's what I was experiencing.  Since Saturday morning I have shed so many tears seeing it on the news. Seeing my own (almost) 5 year old daughter playing and thinking to myself 'holy shit, they were like HER age'. Wondering to myself how anyone could physically hurt a CHILD in such a way? I just..... I can't wrap my head around it and it frustrates me.  I don't even feel anger towards the boy (which lets face it, at 20 years old, is all he was). I just feel numb. And sad. "Normal" people don't do this stuff.  I think too often people condemn the perpetrator of such horrendous crimes but never stop to ask WHY?  How troubled must you be to get to THAT point?  The whole situation is sad.  But that's all I can say on the matter for now.

On to a different topic, I am currently coming off my Anti Depressants.  About 3 weeks ago I came to the realisation that these meds are not for me. I'm now on Med number 4. All of them have started off and gradually had to make my way up to 150 odd mgs and then ending up having to switch to something else because its not working.  So instead of going on yet another drug I've decided to come off.  I don't agree with how I was "diagnosed" or how I've been treated in the 6 odd years that I've been medicated.  I feel angry that I have educated myself on what drugs I've been on as well as my "condition" (which btw I don't even feel that I really have - again, was never diagnosed) than any doctor has ever educated me.  

So 3 weeks ago I started doing 120mg one day then 60mg the next day.  Insert a day of EPIC panic attacks in which I had to call the hubby home from work and we were well on our way :/  It truly wasn't pleasant.  Then insert my Parent-in-laws coming for the weekend to help us build our back deck.  Which most people would go 'yeah ok? and?'. Well for me its a big EEEKKK. I adore my Parent in laws and they don't know about me being medicated or about my Anxiety. At all.  We've never told them.  The reason are pretty black and white.  I don't want them to think differently of me, tip toe around me, worry about their son being with someone "crazy"... list goes on. Totally irrational as most people will say, but it is what it is.

Well, I surprised myself.  Not only am I onto week 3. Where I am now just 60 mg a day (which I will stay on till after christmas) but I managed to do just fine with my parent in laws here. I even helped build a deck! I've never even used a drill before, and here I was up at 5am  like a total pro building a deck! And I went all day! I couldn't walk for days afterwards, but I did it!!! The sense of satisfaction was FAR beyond what I ever imagined.  Sitting back on the last day of building the deck after everyone had left, I sipped my cuppa and thought to myself "wow...coming of medication, dealing with my in laws being here and trying to hide the Anxiety I was feeling inside and I helped build a deck!!!"  I was immensely proud of myself.  And even more so now that it's been 3 odd weeks.  There have been times where it's been a bit scary because it's been so long since I've not had medication in my system. As I cut down I notice lots of different emotions and feelings. Its good. Daunting, but good.  The past 3 or so days I have felt so "normal" that I have been getting anxious about feeling normal lol! How stupid is that!  All in all though, I am looking forward to being medication free and seeing how I feel.  Trying not to get ahead of myself and just think I'll be "fixed" or think that I won't have to go back on something. But for now I am feeling good and confident. And realising there's lots more that I need to work on. I need to work on my self esteem. Getting back into my exercise and dieting will help with that.  But for now... I think that's enough. Baby steps....