Through the eyes of my child

I'm sitting there, watching my children play, in the front yard. I must of told them both a hundred times "put your hats on guys", "be careful with what you're doing", "slow down". Neither of them with a care in the world.  I sit there watching my 5 year old use a swing set, not the way in which it was intended.  "just swinging is for babies mum!" she proclaims to me as she climbs up the top of the A frame and hangs upside down, before finally finishes doing a back flip off the thing. Every dam time, my heart skips a beat. She's a wild child. Always has been. I constantly say to her father "how we have not ended up in the Emergency room with her and some broken bone, is totally beyond me!". I mean sure we've had scrapes and bruises etc but nothing too serious *touch wood*.  As I watch her doing her backwards mickey flips, and running down the slide - as opposed to just sliding down on her bum! I get to thinking. Wouldn't it be so awesome to live a day without fear. To be a total free spirit like a child. Not constantly thinking of the consequences. "what if" this or "what if" that. Just living in the now, doing flips off an A frame. She doesn't sit there analysing every little thing that could go wrong with what she's doing. She doesn't think to the future. She just *does* it.  Last week whilst performing one of her swing stunts, she fell face first into the dirt. Landed pretty awkwardly on her neck and grazed her nose. I was absolutely mortified. She of course was beside herself crying hysterically (more because I think she gave herself a bit of a fright). But after cuddles from mum and reassurance that she was fine, she dusted herself off and went straight back to those swings, doing her crazy acrobatics that she does.  For most people, they would find nothing interesting about this. But for someone who suffers from an Anxiety Disorder ... It's something to envy!  Anxiety feeds off instances like that. Someone suffering with anxiety would of fallen off that swing, and then for the foreseeable future avoided anywhere with swings and the possibility that the same thing could happen again!

Even though my Anxiety is the best it's been in a while - I still have the over thinking part that comes with it. Over analysing every situation. Trying to predict what *could* happen. It's a bloody hard habit to break! As any sufferer knows. But wouldn't it be fabulous just for one day to just get on that swing and hang up side down without even thinking twice?

Verbal Vomit

This is one of those times where I definitely need to blog to stop the noise in my head! Might even get some sleep rather than being awake all night pissed off about it!

So, past few weeks, mum has been getting a shit load of tests done.  We're now waiting for confirmation of whether or not she has Leukemia. It's shitty as hell.    While I love my mother, we have a long long history and at many times it has been very unpleasant between us.  We've put alot of that aside, in the past couple of years but she still really really bloody gets to me. And I let her just walk over me and annoy the hell out of me because frankly, I can't be bothered with the drama of confronting her AND she doesn't own her behaviour. So in the end I end up getting more upset because of it.  So why has it come to a head, now?

I've started my Diploma of Early Education and Care. I am sooo excited about it. Have been for weeks and was counting down the hours to when I could actually start on Monday! My sister was so supportive and just as excited I was. Which was just how she is! .... My mother on the other hand? Not.one.word.  She can't say she didn't know, because the woman is on facebook all the time, I can't even fart without her knowing and then ringing me straight away to ask me about something she's seen on facebook.  So I knew that she knew, but she didn't say a word! When she would call up, nothing.  But yet, my brother (the apple of mummy and daddy's eye. The baby. The angel) goes to college, and I hear ALLLL about how proud of him she is and how fucking fabulous he is. Blergh.     After about a week, she finally brings it up on the phone and this is how the conversation goes (I shit you not):

Her: So. You're studying
Me: Yes, I'm so excited about it. I started this week
Her: So it's childcare then?
Me: Um yeah it's a Diploma of Early Education and care
Her: Oh. So it's childcare. And you're doing it to be a better mother?
Me: Um.... no? I'm doing it so I can work. It's not just childcare- I can work in child services, be a director of a child care centre.
Her: Oh, I figured you were just doing it to be a better mother, cause you're always complaining about what a hard time the girls give you. The course will help you with that, yeah?
Me: Uh, yeah I guess so? (meanwhile I'm thinking, who the fuck are you to talk about being a better mother when your track record is very long and very sordid)
Her: Oh no not a director.. that's alot of study
Me: Um, no mum that's the course I am doing. It's 3 years.
Her: Oh yeah but being a director is hard. You should just do the childcare bit.

Wow. Thanks for that vote of fucking confidence. I get it. Aim low.  

What upsets me the most is all I ever want from mum and him (my father, who hasn't spoken to me since Christmas) is their support and love and for them to tell me they're proud of me. How bloody hard is that?! You're my parents FFS!  But I never ever get it. And for the life of me, I can't understand why I still let it affect me. Why do I keep expecting anything different? Like I keep waiting for just once they would say they are proud of me. What more do I need to do? I own my own house, I have two children, I'm in a long term relationship, I'm studying, I'm a good person.  Why do I still let it get to me. I shouldn't care whether or not I get their acceptance.  And if it was anyone else, I wouldn't. But it's my parents. And after ALL the bullshit they have put me through, you would think they might just be parents for once.  And I want to say all this to my mother but now she's going through all this testing and shit. I can't.  And tbh, I have said stuff like this before and she manipulates it to make me feel shit for saying. So there's no point. Maybe it's just going to be something that comes with age? I dunno.

Ramblings ....

Yep, it's been a while between posts. You know the drill, life gets in the way- blogging sometimes takes a back seat. Although, I do like to hope that maybe this year I will try to do it more. Even if no one reads it, I think it will be good for me to get my thoughts out.

I had all these plans today, of what I would write about when I sat down tonight.  My weightloss journey, the fact I start my study this week, moving back to Brisbane. All of which, have of course, been marred by the passing of one of the most well known women in Australia, Miss Charlotte Dawson.  I don't even know where to begin to be perfectly honest. I don't know what is more sad. The fact her depression got to the point where she felt no other option but to take her life, or that she had these disgusting *trolls* online, telling her to do it, who lets face it, probably wouldn't even care that she did actually do it.

It did get me thinking though, about people's views on things like suicide and mental illness.  And how opinions vary and change.  Today while I sipped on my coffee staring blankly out into the backyard, watching the rain, I remembered how there was a time in my life when I was quite young (probably 14 or 15) where I didn't seem to have my own opinion. My opinion was basically anything that my parents said. Their opinion was what I thought. I guess, kids are sponges right?  I had all these views about things I had really no idea about. My father is probably one of the most bigoted human beings around. So alot of his views were drilled into me. He's always been very vocal of his views. And the minute you disagreed with them, you were a stupid c*** (sad to say, things have not changed in this instance - and as a result we have not spoken in months).  So in my young mind I couldn't wrap my head why anyone would ever commit suicide. Why they would be so selfish- and hurt everyone around them.

Turns out, leaving home at 17 would of been the best thing that could ever happen to me. I finally learnt the words empathy and compassion.  Growing up and dealing with my sexual abuse and other delightful facets of my life, I began to self medicate with drugs and alcohol. To me, that was what worked. I was fine! I didn't ever let my problems get to me. Lots of people have bad things happen to them and just move on. Right?  How wrong was I.  The moment I was first diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression- I knew. I knew why people got to the point where they couldn't go on.  I learnt why people cut themselves, not to end it, but just to be able to *feel* something other than the thoughts inside their heads. I was one of the *lucky* ones (and i use that term so very loosely. For lack of a better word) I clawed my way back. I worked dam fucking hard to get my way back from a very dark and scary place.

I know that there, sadly will be people like my father, out there today who don't give a fuck about Charlotte Dawson, her struggles or her decision to end her own life.  There will be those that say she is a coward for what she has done. I don't doubt that.  Although I obviously didn't know her personally, I know that out of her death there will be something positive to come. We hear of children/teenagers all the time ending their lives because of the struggles of life or the horrible trolls that we come across daily but now it's someone out in the public eye. An adult. Who had the world at her feet. I know that out of this, people will stand up and say enough is enough. Enough Stigma about mental illness. Enough calling people horrible names. Enough fucking bullying. And more than just ONE day a year where we say to the people we know and love, R U OK?  People of the world- stop being so god dam rude to one another.

Standing on the outside

Knees shaking, Legs weak, stomach churning. Mind racing. Thoughts, so many thoughts throwing themselves at me. “Turn back now. Stop. Just stop. You can't do this. Something bad is going to happen”. My inner demon, telling me, shouting at me. You can't do this. Welcome to the world of Anxiety. The devil on my back. The black dog that sits firmly on my chest. For so many years, this has been my life. My reality. But now here I am. Fighting back and standing up. Saying NO! To the voice, no to the knees that shake, the legs that go weak and no to the stomach that churns. Have I fully silenced it? No. But it is a hell of a lot quieter, getting quieter everyday. And even when it becomes a distant whisper, I will continue to fight.

I think back to when my Anxiety first started. Or try to pinpoint its birth in my life. There are so many different times in my life where it could of started. Maybe it started before I recognised the signs. Like a tiny scab that I had ignored for so long just festering away. Getting bigger and bigger until I could ignore it no longer. Was it the negativity that I was surrounded by at home? Was it the sexual abuse that I suffered at the hands of a family friend, as a child? Was it the feeling of having to be strong for so long that there just came a day where my soul said enough is enough- stop pretending? One of the traits of my personality is that I constantly want to know why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? But after a lot of soul searching and hard work I have changed it from why me? To what lesson can I learn from this experience. What did I need to learn. I held in so much anger and hate and hurt, for so long. I spent my teenage years so angry at the world. Angry at my parents. Angry at well, everything. I spent my time telling people I didn't care what other people thought of me. I didn't care about other people. I just went on with my life, doing what I wanted, when I wanted and if people didn't like it, then stiff, pretty much. I was, during that time, the example of everything I loathe in a person. But then I guess it was easier than having to deal with my emotions, wasn't it.

Even before I started my counselling I spent my time helping other people solve their problems to avoid having to really take a hard look at my own. I would become so invested in my friends problems that I would almost take it personally. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat, I would constantly worry. It took a rather large breakdown for me to realise that once again, I was avoiding what needed to be done. So here I am. 3 months into my therapy. Never in a million years would I have imagined I would be where I am now in a matter of 3 months. I've gone from literally not being able to leave my home to do something simple like get milk, Not be able to interact happily with my children, because I was so caught up in my own thinking to just pushing through, every day. Taking my daughter to and from school everyday (and even more recently, walking her) , going shopping, making new friends and spending time with them. The things I have done recently are endless. I saw my therapist today and my words to her were “I am a fucking rockstar”. And I am. I haven't really sat back and felt good about the things I have done. The work that I have done. There have been so many times where I have wanted to just crawl back under my rock. Avoid it a little longer. Someone else will do it, right?

When in 27 years has 'someone else' done it? I have always done it on my own. I suffered through my own turmoil without anyone else being there to help me. I hated the world in silence. No one else knew. Do I regret this? NO. Because it has made me who I am and given me the tools and taught me the lessons that I needed to know. So yes, I can bury my head under the rock and ignore it all and go back to not leaving the house. Not going anywhere. Being miserable. Or I can keep pushing through and getting better and stronger everyday. I am a good person. I know that. I am not the angry world hating teenager I once was. I have grown and evolved. I am loving, I am passionate, I have compassion, I have empathy. I love fiercely and deeply. Can I have a short fuse? Yes, that is something that takes some practice. But everyday I practice my mindfulness and strive to feel positive and happy. As I drop the negativity from my life, I notice so many changes. Spiritually and mentally. I feel such a huge change in my life and how I look at the world. And all I know is I can't surround myself around constantly negative people. I have worked too hard. I have to let the guilt of leaving people behind, go. This is my journey and I deserve to feel proud of myself and deserve appreciate the hard work that I have achieved. With no one elses help. I've done this. And i'll keep doing it. Nothing will stop me now. 

Parent trap

So the second blog post for the day is about yep, you guessed it. Parenting! Sort of.

At my last therapy session with 'R' we spoke about me needing to stop judging myself based on other people and what they do.  So judging my parenting because the lady down the road does it better (for whatever reason be it she has more kids than me, or studies or just looks like she 'has it all together' - whatever 'having it all together' looks like).

I spend my time wishing I was the "perfect" housewife and mother.  After talking to 'R' about this she made me see that I continue to wish these things because I compare them to someone else. I flutter between wanting to be a better mother than my mother and trying to "beat" her and wanting to be just as good as all these other mothers that I know/see.  So my job, from 'R', was to come home and write a list. Of what I think the perfect  mother and housewife is.  So at the end of the day the only standards that I have to compare to are MY OWN.  As long as I stick to my own values then no one else's parenting is anything to do with me personally.  So after thinking about it all weekend. I've got my top 5 things that mean being a good mother to ME and my top 5 things that mean being a good wife/partner to ME.

Being a good mother to me means:

1.  Loving your child unconditionally.
2. Always having time for your child. No matter what it is you're doing. 
3. Always putting your children's well being and needs before anything. 
4. Always try to teach your children as much as possible, even if it means having to learn it yourself first. Be interested in things that they are interested in. 
5. Always ALWAYS make sure you tell them how proud of them you are and how much you love them. 

Being a good wife to me means:

1. Loving your partner unconditionally ( and I totally mean in a loving healthy relationship ) 
2. Listening to your partner and their needs 
3. Being gentle with your words- even in an angry mood/when fighting.  ( I grew up in a household where it was seen as ok to call each other C**** and Arseholes and bitches etc. I don't want that for my relationship) 
4. Making time to do things that your partner is interested in and vice versa. Even if it's not something that really grabs your fancy. 
5. Never going to sleep angry and telling your partner just how much you love them every.single.day. Not only how much you love them, but how much you appreciate them.  

As long as I can look at both my lists and be happy knowing that, that is how I live my life. Then there is never a need to feel insecure. Because going by my lists of being a good mother and a good partner, then I am content. I am happy.   I am the best version of Me. And you can't get any better than that.

Cross Stitching

So this will be post 1 of my 2 blog post day.  I wanted to do two separate ones, otherwise it would of just been one huge mammoth one lol  

So I have been seeing my Psychologist, 'R' for a few weeks.  She's amazing!  I feel so blessed to have found someone who 'gets' me and who is into the sorts of things that I am into spiritually.  Its nice to have someone to just sit there and listen. And actually listen- not just fain interest whilst thinking about their own stuff.  But after the couple of sessions that I have had with her, I know that I have a crapload of self esteem issues. Which is just the root of all if not of my problems.  I judge myself based on other people constantly. 'Im not a good mother because I don't do what that person over there does' or 'why can't I have a figure like her'. The list goes on really.

In my last session I said to 'R' that I felt like a complete sack of crap taking miss 4 to her first week of school.  While waiting for Miss 4 to come out of class, I stood there amongst all the other mothers.  I noticed  how they looked nice with their makeup and hair done.  They all stood around talking and laughing and looked happy and secure with themselves. And there here was me. This loser. Who stood there looking like shit, no makeup, pimples on her face (that time of the month, fun fun eh'), hair with regrowth- not been cut in goodness knows how long, the list goes on. I *felt* like I looked like utter crap compared to these mothers. Picking miss 4 up that day (and pretty much everyday seeing these mothers) made me feel so deflated.  Down on myself. Not worthy etc etc.  Then 'R' said the best thing that anyone has ever said to me. 'Have you ever seen someone do cross stitching?' ... 'Um, yeah?'...'Well, you know how the pictures on that circle look sooo beautiful. So intricate and perfect. All the details are just perfect?" .... 'Um, yeah?' * I was at this point thinking, wtf are we talking about Cross Stitching for?* ... 'Well have you ever seen the back of one of those cross stitches?' .... *I think about it*....'yes'.....'Well what does it look like?' ...'A mess'.....' Yes, a complete mess. There's shit everywhere isn't there? so next time you think that about yourself when you see these women, or other women that make you feel like that, picture them holding up a cross stitch pattern. Cause while it looks pretty and perfect to you,  the bit facing them is messy as shit'.   Seriously made so much sense.  Not only that but she also pointed out to me when I said 'I want to be one of those women that gets up and wears makeup and has her hair done all nice and looks nice'.  'You want to have to put make up on everyday, just for a 10 minute job? The reason those women coat their faces with makeup for a school drop off is because they're insecure themselves'.  So much put in perspective these past few weeks. Something simply explained by 'R' and I see how the way I think and feel can have such a negative impact on me.  I can spend the rest of my life comparing myself to other people and it won't get me anywhere.  I need to give myself a break and stop being so judgemental to MYSELF.  I am a good person!  I am loved.  And my happiness or self esteem doesn't need to rely on anyone else's validation or acceptance. I am me. And the me that I am becoming, well she is pretty bloody awesome.

Baby Steps....

Over the past few weeks, little by little, I find the old me slowly clawing her way back in.  My passion, my drive, my aspirations and desires.  The fighter that I once had in me, is banging loudly on the door and she wants to be let in.

One of the most confronting moments for me this week was doing my mental health plan.  Something I have struggled for so long to get the courage (and I guess urge or care) enough to do.  Seeing the words in black and white on the screen "Childhood Abuse" was probably one of the most confronting parts.  Seeing my doctor sit and stare at me with such sadness and sympathy in her eyes was strange.  I guess for a long long time I never let my past be a "problem" I had this bravado that it was what it was, it was shit, I went through crap but now I was fine. We all have to go through stuff and come out the other end fine, right?  But seeing other peoples reactions and hearing other people say "Hey, that's not ok", makes me realise that it is in fact, not ok. Which sounds stupid but when you live in the same cycle of abuse and have the same mentality for so long it seems "normal".   As well as the most confronting of moments though, it was also one of the most freeing moments.  Meeting my new Psychologist was also like a weight had just been lifted off my shoulders. Since starting this journey of coming down off my medication and seeking help and pushing myself and pushing through otherwise no-go-zone barriers, I just feel myself thinking more and realising more. Good things. Realisations.  Like a whole bunch of light bulb moments going off at once.   Another one was tonight when I was given a link to something so I could read.  There was quite a few moments in this article/book where I smiled and nodded because I knew exactly what it meant.  So I decided to blog about it so I can come back later when I need to remember it. Its called 'A beautiful mess' (www.abeautifulmessinside.com) and it just hit home on so many different levels for me.

                   "She looked at life through her lens and learned to love the mess" 

                                                                     *********

"When you feel broken, you may

just need to let things fall in to

pieces for a bit. We’re taught to

hold it together - to stay in

control. If you hold on too

tightly to the broken bits, you

end up cutting your own hands.

On the other side of breakdown

lies breakthrough."

*********

"When we were children our lives depended on someone else taking care of us. Today
we may feel very alone, unloved, and unworthy. Sure we know better, but in our worst
moments a nagging doubt is there. We may blame others for not caring enough or not
doing it right. The problem is, while others can be loving and caring toward you, only
you can take care of the little girl inside. This usually means learning to ask for help and
making better decisions. Sometimes I feel like I have to pry the mini-mess’s hands off
the steering wheel. She is relentless. She doesn’t like my interference. A'er all, she
drove the bus all by herself for many years."

This quote here was probably the biggest 'ah-ha' moment for me.  'When we were children our lives depended on someone else taking care of us'.  I think for me, physically yes my parents 'took care' of me.  Fed me, clothed me, sheltered me. Emotionally, mentally, though? No. Not at all. If anything it was the other way around.  For a very long time I have shoved away that little girl inside. The little girl who suffered abuse and continued to look after everybody else by not saying anything, so they wouldn't have to feel upset or stressed.  Or the little girl who would look after her mother when she drank too much. Or the little girl who would play mediator to her parents when they fought and broke up and one went and lived in a caravan park, or downstairs in a spare room.   I have never been able to ask for help. I did it on my own for so long. I kept my mouth shut and my feelings to myself for so long. That now, I think getting to the stage where I have with my anxiety it has forced me to stand up and say "I am NOT doing ok. I need help" and to not be ashamed by it.  I need to nurture the little girl inside me.  And love her and care for her.  

"Think of it like this, if you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, you’re not allowed to say

it to yourself. Beating yourself up and being harder on you than others doesn’t work. If

it did, you wouldn’t be reading this. Being gentle with yourself doesn’t mean letting

yourself off the hook to run wild. If change is going to come, you’re going to have to be

the one to do it. You can, however, do it with loving kindness towards yourself (and

others.)

I think of it like I am a foster parent to the mini-mess. She really didn’t want to be

“removed” from her world. She doesn’t trust me or even like me one bit. Finding the

balance between firm and gentle can be a real challenge. I can only earn her trust with

consistency."

Often I have thought about this.  I am always the first person there to help anyone with a problem. I'll listen for hours on end to someone tell me their troubles and help out best I can.  And there is no way I would ever say the things to a close friend/family member, that I do to myself.  I would never call them a failure or be angry at them or judge them or make them feel anymore useless then they probably already do.  So why would I do it to myself?  I need to remind myself that I am worthy of the love and gentleness and good advice.  And the forgiveness when I fall off the wagon and have a bad day.  

I have always said that if someone offered me a million dollars to change my history, I would never do it.  Because it has made me who I am. I have 'No Regrets' tattooed on my wrist for that reason.  

Not the flashiest or the fanciest of tattoo's but its something that has alot of meaning to me

To constantly remind me that it has made me the person I am. And given me the values that I have.  That's not to say that it hasn't hurt or affected me.  Or that I have fully dealt with it.  I need to find a balance of appreciating it as a lesson and healing from it.  Rather than shoving it down into a tiny box.  I've learnt that sooner or later the universe will make you deal with it.  And I have to say, I'm not entirely sorry that it has.  Its liberating. Freeing.  I'm learning to love myself, flaws and all. And it feels good.  Bit by bit I will build up my self esteem which so very long has been shattered. 

New Year, New Post

I'm usually not one for New Year Resolutions.  I think we can all remember at one time or another making a resolution, and then getting to the end of the following year and realising we actually didn't accomplish anything like we'd set out to.   So I guess for me this is more about what goals I want to see myself work towards.  I definitely want to get my Anxiety under control and have been taking some pretty big steps towards that.  Steps that I never in a million years thought I would be able to do.  Thursday is the day I go to do my mental health plan and start making an appointment to see a Psychologist. Which I am pretty stoked about.  But this post is less about all the goals and more about some realisations I have made in the past couple of weeks.  Its been playing on my mind a fair bit so what better way to get it out then to blog about it huh.

It stemmed from a book I have been reading about Overcoming panic and Anxiety.  It has been a really great book because it has brought so many thoughts and realisations to me.  I love that it has made me think outside the square so to speak.

"So many people have commented to me that in times of a major stress they were fine. They were able to look after everyone else, do everything that needed to be done and they can't understand why they are now having problems. And that is the problem. They were not taking care of themselves". 

For a long time I wondered why. Why me? Why did I get Anxiety. One minute I'm fine, then the next I'm not.  And I want to know why.  When I read this paragraph the other day I stopped and had the biggest lightbulb moment.  For a long long time now I've always been the person that puts everybody else before myself.  Even when going through crappy moments myself, I have always managed to make sure everybody else is ok.  The more I thought about it, the more I realised that this hasn't been a recent thing. Not even in say the past 'couple' of years. This has been going on for a LONG time.

At the time of my sexual abuse (and even to this day) I put everybody else BEFORE myself.  I kept my mouth shut about it.  I can remember 3 separate occasions of abuse, whether or not there was more and I blocked it, I'm not sure. But I know that I never said a word.  And not for myself, but for everyone else.  I didn't want my mother to be stressed, because there were times when I was growing up that stress would affect her that badly that she would be hospitalised. I didn't want to be the cause for her having to go back to hospital.  Then of course I kept it quiet for my dad. If he had of found out he would of literally spent the rest of his life in Jail.  Sadly, this isn't an exaggeration of parents finding out that someone has abused their child and says "they'll kill him". This is literally what he would of done.  And so it snowballed from there the reasons why I didn't want to say anything.  Even in my 12 year old rationale, it was much better for 1 person to suffer, rather than a whole bunch of other people be stressed and upset as well.

And for as long as I can remember I have always put people first.  Put myself second.  Solved other peoples problems. Put tonnes and TONNES of time into other peoples problems and how I can help them...... Its only now that I realise most of that is probably just me putting off having to put in the hard work of sorting my own problems out.  I've realised that in the past I have put way too much pressure on myself. Expecting to just "deal" with things that have happened to me and just 'move on'.  For a long time I was able to say to people "yes I've had a crappy upbringing etc and I've lived through different types of abuse, but so have lots of other people, I'm fine, you just have to get on with life and not dwell on it".  Its now that I see I WASN'T dealing at all.  I wasn't as tough as what I thought.  They say everything happens for a reason don't they. Well obviously I needed to STOP and acknowledge a few things. Acknowledge the things that happened to me and acknowledge that I need to for ONCE put myself first.  And its not selfish to look after myself and my own mental health.  Like I once thought.  I struggle with the notion of not putting other people before me.  Its a foreign notion.  I am trying though.  I can still listen to people's problems obviously. But there needs to be a line and I need to not take it on board and take it personally.  Lots of realisations...But I'm glad I'm having them...

The feeling of AMAZING

This could potentially be a very quick post considering the tantrum that Miss 4 is carrying on with at the moment in time out.  (8am tantrums, you know its going to be a long arse day eh).  Was going to come on and blog last night while I was feeling so great, but got sidetracked lol

So after dinner last night, I said to the hubby that I felt like something for dessert.  Looking at the time I thought hrm ok I've got about 40 minutes until the shops shuts.  Now, for those of you not following, I've been tapering off my medication for 3 weeks now.  I haven't left the house in 3 weeks.  And before then, it was only if I really needed to. Ie; doctors appointment.    So the hubby was showering the girls and I was fliffing about procrastinating about going to the shops. "yes you can do it.  No, you can't do it, you haven't gone out of the house since coming down off your meds". This was the back and forth going through my mind.   I told Brendan what I wanted to do. He grabbed the keys, wallet and phone, shoved them in my hand and said Go! You can do it!   So I got in the car! Drove down the road! ......... and chickened out :(
Did a U-turn and came home.  Walked inside feeling very defeated and sad.  And from the look on the hubby's face I could tell he was feeling much the same.  I felt more sad that I'd disappointed him.  Of course he was awesome as always and said 'Its ok, got my hopes up a little bit, but no matter we'll try again tomorrow'.  Well, no that was too much for me to handle! So I grabbed my keys and wallet and marched myself straight back out to that car.  Drove down the road, drove TO THE SHOPS. Got out, went into the shops and proceeded to get the things I needed as well as having a bit of a look around.  I swear the chick at the counter must of though 'wtf is this chicks problem' cause I was on a super high!

I practically skipped out of the shops and got in my car. Did a bit of a 'woo-hoo' jigg lol and called the one person I knew would be just as excited as I was- my sister.  I said "Guess where I am?!?!" she replied with "outside the house?". "yes!" I replied "I'm down the shops.... ON MY OWN". Well needless to say she was just as excited as I was. If we could of high fived each other then and there we totally would of lol

To be honest, I think B's was expecting me to come back empty handed again.  But as I drove into the driveway I beeped my horn furiously and leapt out of the car with my shopping bag in hand! The look on his face was the best! He was so stoked. And I was so stoked!!!

I realise, to many people they would be like "oh yeah, you went to the shops" ????? And it wouldn't be a big deal.  Believe me, the rational 'normal' part of my brain realises how ridiculous it is that Anxiety stops me from doing certain things.  But for me this was a HUGE win. The fact I was able to do this coming down off my meds. To feel the fear and do it anyway!  To not accept feeling defeated and to challenge myself.... Seriously made me so happy.  And this morning I am still on a huge high!!!  I know I won't be cured overnight of this shitty Anxiety. And it will be baby steps.  But every baby step gets me closer to the goal and  am so excited about this journey.

Making sense of the Senselessness

This week has been such a strange, sad, confusing week.  So many crazy things happen in this world that make you stop and think.  I realise it's been a while since I've blogged and I don't know why.  I sort of get to the point where I can't be bothered.  But in light of recent weeks I realise that its my writing that helps me to vent and in turn make myself feel better.

Unfortunately the first blog post after my hiatus isn't a tale of happier times- I wish it were.  Although it's not all bad I do have news in regards to my own mental health, but first I need to quickly mention the events that took place this week that have broken my heart and made me so sad.  Saturday morning I was awoken by Brendan telling me that a) he was going up the road to get coffees and would I like one and b) that there was another senseless shooting in the US.  I must say I am sad to admit that although I was sad I wasn't shocked as such.  I mean its America, and it happens so often.  But before I'd even had the time to respond I heard him utter the words that I thought never imaginable. It was children. The youngest being 6 (which is what reports at the time had said).  You know those times where you're half asleep and trying to make sense of what someone is saying ? And because you're still half asleep you still don't really know if what you've just heard was real? That's what I was experiencing.  Since Saturday morning I have shed so many tears seeing it on the news. Seeing my own (almost) 5 year old daughter playing and thinking to myself 'holy shit, they were like HER age'. Wondering to myself how anyone could physically hurt a CHILD in such a way? I just..... I can't wrap my head around it and it frustrates me.  I don't even feel anger towards the boy (which lets face it, at 20 years old, is all he was). I just feel numb. And sad. "Normal" people don't do this stuff.  I think too often people condemn the perpetrator of such horrendous crimes but never stop to ask WHY?  How troubled must you be to get to THAT point?  The whole situation is sad.  But that's all I can say on the matter for now.

On to a different topic, I am currently coming off my Anti Depressants.  About 3 weeks ago I came to the realisation that these meds are not for me. I'm now on Med number 4. All of them have started off and gradually had to make my way up to 150 odd mgs and then ending up having to switch to something else because its not working.  So instead of going on yet another drug I've decided to come off.  I don't agree with how I was "diagnosed" or how I've been treated in the 6 odd years that I've been medicated.  I feel angry that I have educated myself on what drugs I've been on as well as my "condition" (which btw I don't even feel that I really have - again, was never diagnosed) than any doctor has ever educated me.  

So 3 weeks ago I started doing 120mg one day then 60mg the next day.  Insert a day of EPIC panic attacks in which I had to call the hubby home from work and we were well on our way :/  It truly wasn't pleasant.  Then insert my Parent-in-laws coming for the weekend to help us build our back deck.  Which most people would go 'yeah ok? and?'. Well for me its a big EEEKKK. I adore my Parent in laws and they don't know about me being medicated or about my Anxiety. At all.  We've never told them.  The reason are pretty black and white.  I don't want them to think differently of me, tip toe around me, worry about their son being with someone "crazy"... list goes on. Totally irrational as most people will say, but it is what it is.

Well, I surprised myself.  Not only am I onto week 3. Where I am now just 60 mg a day (which I will stay on till after christmas) but I managed to do just fine with my parent in laws here. I even helped build a deck! I've never even used a drill before, and here I was up at 5am  like a total pro building a deck! And I went all day! I couldn't walk for days afterwards, but I did it!!! The sense of satisfaction was FAR beyond what I ever imagined.  Sitting back on the last day of building the deck after everyone had left, I sipped my cuppa and thought to myself "wow...coming of medication, dealing with my in laws being here and trying to hide the Anxiety I was feeling inside and I helped build a deck!!!"  I was immensely proud of myself.  And even more so now that it's been 3 odd weeks.  There have been times where it's been a bit scary because it's been so long since I've not had medication in my system. As I cut down I notice lots of different emotions and feelings. Its good. Daunting, but good.  The past 3 or so days I have felt so "normal" that I have been getting anxious about feeling normal lol! How stupid is that!  All in all though, I am looking forward to being medication free and seeing how I feel.  Trying not to get ahead of myself and just think I'll be "fixed" or think that I won't have to go back on something. But for now I am feeling good and confident. And realising there's lots more that I need to work on. I need to work on my self esteem. Getting back into my exercise and dieting will help with that.  But for now... I think that's enough. Baby steps....

Realisations

I've always been the sort of person that has long long friendships with people.  I don't have LOADS of best mates. Just a select few that are pretty much like my family. Then of course the casual acquaintances and friends who are friends, but not ones you see all the time and hang out a lot.

Unfortunately for me, when I have a strong strong friendship with someone, I become deathly loyal.  Most people would argue that it is a good thing.  But most the time for me it's not because it ends up almost being a binding contract for the rest of my life to stick by this person no matter what they throw at me.  And to a certain extent I suppose, it's a good thing. Other times not so much.   Right now for instance I struggle with a dilemma with a certain friend.  Unbeknownst to her of course.

Many moons ago, when I met my dear partner Bman, I also met his flat mate 'L'.  Quickly we became very very close and during a dark time in my life she offered me a place to live. (ultimately though if Bman had of said no he didn't want me to live there well then I wouldn't of)  For a long time 'L' and I were basically glued at the hip.  And eventually, when Bman and I moved out into our own place and I fell pregnant with our first daughter Miss A, I asked 'L' to be her godmother.  In 4 years the extent of L's presence in Miss A's life has been nothing short of abysmal.  She threw my baby shower when I was pregnant (at my house) and then came here for A's birthday last year.

But it's not even the Godmother stuff that I really struggle with.  L has always been the sort of person who just got herself into dramas with men. All the time.  The one who I hold most resentment towards was the one she was with when I first met her. 'J'. A dole bludging pot head so scunged off her for 10 years then one day up and left her stealing her 80 year old fathers credit card.  All he left was a note, that was it. It was horrible seeing how upset and hurt she was.  Then after that it was one bloke who was sleeping around at brothels while with her, another one who was basically her sugar daddy and a total prick, then she moved out of Brisbane to Nanango and there's been more drop kicks there.   Usually I just comfort her and listen to her and give her the sort of advice that a close friend gives when their best mate is going through these sorts of relationship drama's.   Lately though, its gone beyond that.  She met a bloke 20+ years her senior, had a kid with him who is Miss P's age (2 in december). They've had drama's since they first met. Got to the point where they couldn't drink around each other because they would fight. When she was in hospital giving birth to her premature baby he wasn't even there, when she was in recovery and her baby was in the SCU he was ringing her at night abusing her calling her useless and all sorts of garbage (what a catch eh).  It was then that I heard the same line I'd heard with all the other blokes ... she was 'done'.  Cut to about a month ago, she still wasn't done. They'd broke up, got back together that many times. Now he started beating her. Beat her that bad he put her in hospital.  So now it's apparently "really" over.  And she rings me for a good 2 hours telling me all about how it's over with L, she won't be treated like that bla bla bla. Then in the same breath tells me she got back in contact with J and hes coming to live with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like seriously the amount of times we have helped this retard is beyond a joke. Last time was when he was in Melb and suicidal and pulled a knife on the police. Oh and then was the incident when he came to my house got blind rotten drunk and I had only been a week out of hospital with a cesarian and he nearly squashed my week old baby.  That night ended up ripping his eyelids off and to this day, no one knows how.  I'm angry because its J ... and we've been down this road soo many times. And the councelling and comforting involved in anything to do with J is just painful and tiring.  It upsets me that she's just putting her son through all this shit. That is fundamentally what irritates me the most.  Few weeks ago she left him in the car with the dog to go into the shops.  When she was called over the monitor she abused the people standing around her car because they were upset with her leaving her baby in the car.

I can tolerate a fair amount of shit. 9 times out 10 I won't judge a friend for shit they do, and I try to be there as much as possible. Sometimes to the detriment of my own health and sanity!  But with L .... I just feel.... done.  I've got 2 inboxes that  I haven't replied to from her. The latest telling me that she's met a fantastic bloke who's so amazing and he's got 3 kids and they're so amazing bla bla bla like I've heard it all before. J was amazing, D was amazing, L was amazing... all were amazing.  I don't have it in me to pick up the pieces with her anymore. She doesn't ever ring me up to say "hey Kirsty, how are YOU doing" ... or "how is my god-daughter". Nothing.  And I haven't responded because at this point in time I honestly don't know how.   I feel as though the only reason I've stuck it out the past year is because I owe it to her. She gave me somewhere to live when I really needed it.  But I can't keep this friendship going based on obligation. I just haven't got anything left in me.  Pretty sure how crappy I feel after she rings me and shoves her problems down my throat and hangs up, is a clear indicator that its done. Over.

It's a GUT THING!

I've had these thoughts floating around in my head. So I figured I need to do a blogpost about it to pile them all together because this is just something that is so frustrating and I'm sure that there are people like me who have been in the dark about it.

So for a while I have been astounded at how many deficiencies (vitamin and mineral) mirror the same symptoms as those of Anxiety Disorders and Depression.  It was quite interesting when I read about it to be honest.  I wondered why when you went to the doctor and sprouted off symptoms, that they don't go ok, well your symptoms could be for a whole bunch of reasons lets get some tests done. Instead its 'Ok here's a booklet, here's some tablets. You've got anxiety (or depression) see you later'.

Before I continue, I need to point out that I am in no way saying Anxiety or Depression isn't real. I have been medicated for both of these for 6 years or so now.  But the main thing for me is my PTSD - when I am triggered. That's what I need to go speak to someone about.  But the ah-ha light bulb moment that has blown my mind...... and i'll try and think before I type cause this is the part where all these thoughts are just buzzing around my head so fast.

.... 90% of the body's seretonin is in the gut.  I read this and actually sat there staring at the computer for a good 10 minutes. I had no idea seretonin was in the gut.  I thought it was all in the head.  And...so...the thoughts...begin.    Now it is starting to make sense to me. These people who are morbidly obese are so down and lethargic and unhappy....they lose massive amounts of weight like 50 + kilos and they're happy and healthy and fit and not tired.   I did an experiment this week where I had 4 or 5 days without vegetables.  I felt lethargic. Unhappy. Tired.. so freaking tired. Anxious.  A whole other bunch of symptoms.   Someone I know has always had problems going to the toilet.  And has also been on anti depressants for 10 years, which she is in the process of coming off now.  When she and I read this information about seretonin so many things started making sense!  I remember being a bit of a gym junkie when I was about 18... and I was working mental hours... and wasn't tired. Ever. Was having 3 day benders and then going to work for 12 hour night shifts.  And I wasn't even a hardcore Gym junkie. I just went usually everyday or every second day. Still wasn't on any special diet. I was 18 lol so it was just eat whatever.   But now my mind is just blown.  Soooo many things are making sense about my depression/anxiety.  And it's not only just about this gut thing. But also just how powerful the mind is.  My neighbour was diagnosed with lung cancer. 13 weeks later, dead.  He was told he'd see this christmas, maybe not the next one, depending on chemo etc.  He didn't even see this christmas. Its like the minute he was told he had cancer, he started dying right then and there. Just gave up.   Suffering from anxiety I know just how powerful my mind really is.  It will create symptoms and make me feel things.  Classic example was this morning- woke up did my usual Sunday things. Brendan got up and was in a fantastic mood. The girls were in a great mood everyone was happy. Brendan was so affectionate to me this morning (not that he isn't usually, but he was overly lovey and affectionate this morning) and it just felt like such a great morning, not a care in the world. Then the brain spoke "Something bad has to happen.  It's not possible to be THIS happy and something bad not happen"  Because that's what's always happend. And my brain has me "programmed" to feel like that..... so when someone says to you, You have anxiety / depression, take this tablet. You do it, cause you need it right?

Im sure i'll continue this later... at this point I'm stuck. There's too many thoughts at once.. can't actually formulate what I want to say properly lol

Vent or explode

Every now and then we all need a vent eh? A "verbal vomit", if you will.  Well that's how I feel right now.  I don't usually like to vent about my other half. Because then you tend to get the one or two people that say "ohhh her relationship isn't doing so well" ... which isn't the case, I am cranky, I need to vent. Bman and I are fine, we always are fine. We just fight like every other couple, which I think is healthy. Well it's not even fighting, more of a disagreement, bit of an argue. We don't spend days ignoring each other. And I am almost positive the longest any of our arguments have ever lasted is maybe half an hour.  We tend to get over them and resolve them pretty quickly.  So my following vent isn't something I resent Bman about, or am going to "make him pay" for, its just a stupid vent that I am fucked off about right now.

So.  About 2 years ago Brendan was offered this 'fantastic' job, on the Sunshine Coast. We lived in Brisbane at the time.  He was promised all this shit, he was really excited about it. How could I say no?   So I had 2 weeks notice. Packed up my whole house, my 1 year old baby and we moved. In 2 weeks.  Moved 3 times in 2 years around the Sunshine Coast. Till we finally bought this place we're in now (LEMON!).

The short version is, Bmans boss, is a GIANT douchebag. He doesn't give a shit about his employees, doesn't give a shit about his customers. Just wants to make money and that's it. Makes the boys cut corners etc. Shitty pay (for those who don't know Bman is an Aircraft Reconditioner) and needless to say if Workplace Health and Saftey were to go through there they would get shut down in about 30 seconds. Anyway, Bman is constantly whining about what a shit hole it is , how much he hates it, how much he hates his boss, not enough money, not enough over time bla bla bla .....  He's done this job for 14 years and he's really underpaid for his skills.  

Now Bman was only just saying the other day that he would be taking tomorrow afternoon off for Mels funeral and didn't care if work had a problem about it.  Fair enough. Until...

Yesterday afternoon I fucked my back.  Bman is always saying I should chop my own wood if I want the fire place (ya know because we don't chop wood in advance, it gets chopped every night, as we need it). So yesterday I thought I'd suprise him by chopping the wood and he'd come home to a lit fireplace. Bad. Fucking. Idea. Chopping wood isn't easy, no idea why he thought I'd be able to do it especially when I've never been shown.  So i've fucked my back, really bad (on top of the scoliosis which is already sore from this shitty weather).  I struggled with it all day until about 1 oclock ... when the dog decided to run out the front door when someone knocked on it and I had to catch him almost going A over T in the wet. I have only been able to take panadol or nurofen, cause i've got the kids. Can't take anything stronger because i had no sleep last night, I'm exhausted and I'd fall asleep. I call bman pretty much in tears and say I need you to come home and watch the girls (because living here i don't have anyone to help me out. No family that I can call when I'm sick etc. SO I've pretty much got to suck it up and soldier on - even though when anybody else is sick they get to take sick days... funny that)  He's response was 'no - I can't'. Even though just last night he was telling me they're not busy at the moment.  He just doesn't WANT to because he can't be bothered with the whinging from his boss.  Usually he'll say I can't, I get the shits and that's the end of the conversation. I gotta suck it up. I tried to explain to him today I can't. I am really fucking sore, I need to take something stronger meds wise and lie down. The girls are doing nothing but fight and carry on.  I'm having to get up constantly and I need to be able to lay down with a heatpack on and rest it.  Sounds fairly simple. But no. He says 'nup, can't do it'. But he's taking tomorrow afternoon off for Mels funeral and he doesn't give a fuck what anyone says at work. He took 8 days off not so long ago in a row because the doctor fucked up a medical certificate and did it for 10 days instead of 1. But when I NEED him here to help with HIS children, he can't?   So what am I actually upset about? I'm actually upset that when we were living in Brisbane, my anxiety wasn't that bad. I was getting ALOT better. I was doing things, going out, seeing friends, WORKING, driving etc.  I had family around lots of friends around. Had friends over nearly every night. I was in a really good place. Since moving up here, my anxiety has been SHITHOUSE.  I have like 2 friends here.  Which is great, but we don't get to see each other very much at all. I miss my family. My sister and I talk literally everyday. I hate that I am 2 hours away from her. We're best mates. We get to see each other once every couple of months. I see my mum once every couple of months for about an hour. Because when we go to brisbane to visit for peoples birthdays or whatever we've got sooo many people to see in one day.

So I've sacrificed ALOT to live in this shithole of a place. I fucking hate it. I've hated it since the day I moved here.  And I don't want to be the one that says "well I did this for you and I did that for you" to bman, cause I hate begrudging shit. BUT - it's true!  I hate this place and if I won lotto tomorrow I'd move back to be closer to my family and friends in a heart beat.  The drive from here to brisbane is sooo shit. It's only 1.5 hours but it's annoying and boring. With 2 kids its tiring. And its expensive. Can't afford to do it all the time.  Over not having any help when I need it.  The kids get a sleepover at their grandparents once every few months. I need a fucking break.   Something needs to change... I'm tired of hating this place.

Beginnings

You gotta start somewhere eh? This, I guess, is my starting place.

So, many of us at one point in our lives I suppose, have read a "self help" book of some kind.  Probably alot of us who suffer a mental illness can probably raise their hands and say 'yep, I've done that'.  I've read MANY self help books and thought 'oh dear god, this is shit'. One of those was Feel the fear and do it anyway. Can't remember the author, and really couldn't be bothered digging it up to find out.  On the other hand though, one of the really good books I read was 'Don't sweat the small stuff'. It was a great book and helped me at a time when I really needed it. At the tender age of 18.

The book at the moment that I am reading is 'Power over Panic- Bronwyn Fox'. If there are any of you suffering from PTSD or Anxiety and enjoy reading, I couldn't recommend this book enough. It's fantastic.  So unfortunately for you guys, the next few posts will be referencing this book alot, sorry lol.  In all seriousness though, I feel like I have to post about it. Not only because I hope that it will help other people in the same boat as me, but because I read things in this book that I want to elaborate on myself to get it out of my head.  So here goes I guess... Lesson one ...

You know those times when you have what Oprah calls the 'A-ha' moment? When you're reading a book or watching a show and its almost as if something jumps out and punches you in the face as if to say 'DUH'.  Well, I have had MANY A-ha moments whilst reading this book. (almost sounds like I am getting some sort of kick back for mentioning this book doesn't it haha! I'm not, honestly). So I pretty much have to jot down some of the stand out moments for me. One of them was;

       The ability to dissociate usually begins in childhood. Some people with an anxiety disorder have a history of childhood abuse, and the ability to dissociate enabled them to ‘escape’ from this abuse. People who do not have a background of abuse learnt to dissociate in other situations, such as being bullied at school or during lessons that they were not interested in, disliked or could not cope with."

      For me personally, this was the part in the book when I realised, I know this! Subconsciously, I know alot of what she is saying in this book.  And funnily enough she talks about emotionally vs. intellectually in regards to our anxiety.  Intellectually we realise 'this is not right' and we know what we need to do. But emotionally we can't get our head past the thoughts of 'what if'. Its like we're stuck IN the actual anxiety.

      One of the other major things I have been struggling with lately is NOT helping everybody else!!! I've always been the person who is there for everyone. You need someone to talk to? for 3 hours? sure I'm there. Never mind the fact that when I get off the phone from listening to your problems I am absolutely exhausted. And who is the one that suffers after that? Me, my partner, my children. I can't be everything I need to be to my partner and my children and my self if I am being everything to everybody else!  I always thought that my reasons for being like this was because I didn't have anyone to 'help' me or 'save' me from my problems growing up.

·         Even before our anxiety disorder developed, we did not know or feel any sense of self, any sense of who we are. Our identity is based on the roles we assume in our life. We are a wife, husband, father, mother, daughter, son, friend, work colleague.  Our identity is based on our own, and other people’s expectations and perceptions of who we think we should be. We think we need to be all things to all people, so that people will love us. To accomplish this, we suppress our feelings, needs and wants- in essence, ourselves. As a result, our sense of self is ‘externally’ based rather than centred within us.  Trying to be all things to all people takes an enormous amount of energy. It also takes an enormous amount of strength to continually hold ourselves back, to not show our feelings and not feel our feelings. To always be pleasant, smiling and helpful. To take responsibility for everyone else, and to make sure we do all the above perfectly!  We feel inferior and we worry that we will be ‘found out’ and exposed as being less than perfect.

I've always known that I am a people pleaser. I want and need people to be happy with me. Not strangers obviously, but friends and family. I go out of my way to make sure they're all happy and looked after. Always making sure if they need anything I'm there etc.  This would have to be one of the biggest things I struggle with. Learning that it's OK to need to look after myself and MY family (my children and my partner). It's not selfish.  Even typing that 'its not selfish' I scrunched up my face. Because it still feels selfish!  I know that it's something that is going to take time.  But I need to develop the art of being able to be there for someone and giving them advice but not getting emotionally invested every.single.time. To the point where I am not sleeping at night because I'm so concerned with how such and such is because she's having a marriage problem or because this person is fighting with her friend or this person is struggling getting pregnant etc (and please if you fit into one of those categories don't think I am talking about YOU personally. I just needed some examples off the top of my head). 

I could type forever, but I need to do it in parts. So I shall leave this post with one last quote. 

·         Recovery is like peeling an onion. As we work through the recovery process and peel away the layers, we discover these inner resources within us, and we find they have been there all along. We just didn’t know it. 

Supermum!!!

Tonights post was going to be about a book I am currently reading. "Power over Panic- by Bronwyn Fox".  But that post is sort of a work in progress, so rather than rush it, I've thought of something I'd much rather write about instead.

The past few weeks has been, well,  just bullshit really, that's the only word I can think to describe it. I'm not going to go into detail, because this for me is going to be a positive post.  But there has been drama's with my 'newly found' adopted sister and it's been stressful and trying, to say the least.  After a discussion with the Bman on Thursday night about certain things that were going on, I decided to leave facebook for a week.  Just so I wasn't seeing snotty, childish remarks. But also because my head is just not in the right place I need to step away because I just am taking everything so personally.  I want to save the world, and fix everybody elses problems and give everybody else advice. When really, it's me that I should be looking after.  Anyway, this post isn't about that, but rather about how I am feeling being off it for a few days already. It's actually quite refreshing!  I've been playing guitar and reading and just enjoying pottering around the house.

Lately, the past few weeks though, I have felt as thought I'd lost my mojo.  Just not feeling my Stay at home mum mojo, to be honest.  Doing the bare minimum housework wise, just so its not a crap-hole.  Of course the kids have been looked after, being fed and clothed and what not.  But the rainy weather hasn't helped either. I have learnt that it really affects my mood, having days and days of rain.

So Friday afternoon, got all the kids stuff ready (was in MAJOR anxiety attack mode) and Bman got home from work and we were off to his mum's place for the night. (Miss A was having a sleepover till Monday). This was the first time in 3 weeks I'd been OUT.  So I was really really off tap. Took a valium and slept the 1.5 hour trip to my mother in laws house.  Which was really frustrating because I had been soooo loooking forward to seeing them. They'd been away on holidays, then we'd had sick kids etc. The usual Murphy's law kind of stuff I guess. But we'd not seeing them in about 2 months. Which is probably the longest we've not seen them for, in well.....ages!  But by time I got there I was fine, glad to see the in laws. Miss A unfortunately was feeling off and didn't say much or do much. I suspect maybe she'd had a sore ear as I'd been trying to get her to eat and stuff during the day and she'd not really taken part in it.  So as a result she ended up putting herself to bed at 5.30pm Friday night!!

So what's the title 'Supermum', got to do with anything I hear you ask?  Well, over the years, my parent in laws have come across to me as over bearing and just too much in my face.  When in reality, that hasn't been the case. It's just been something I haven't been use to. You know, complete unconditional caring. Nothing expected in return, doing it because we love you kind of stuff?  I knew that going to my mother in laws house, I would gain my mojo back. I'd even said it to my sister a few days before (not the adopted one).  We get there and my mother in law has Pumpkin soup on the go, plus a stew, plus a cake she'd just pulled out of the oven.  So it was basically a 3 course meal for dinner. Nothing is ever too much trouble. She just does it. Her kitchen looked like Beirut in between doing all of this. But she wouldn't let me help her clean it. Made me, the father in law and Brendan a cup of tea and brought it out to us while we sat around the lounge room and fire and just chatted about random things - what the kids had been doing, Bman's work and what not.

It wasn't only the 3 course meal that made me just love her all the more. It was just everything.  I'm actually feeling teary just thinking about it. Which probably really sounds stupid to people reading this, but I've never known a family, a mum, like this.  Woke up in the morning and miss A woke up feeling better than ever!! Which was great. But at 5.30am wanted to go in and see her 'Ma-Ma'. Of course, mainly due to my upbringing I was like noooo way! Trying to shush her to stay quiet until Ma - Ma and Grandad were awake . No sooner though, was Grandad coming out and coaxing both me and miss A into my Mother in laws room where we all sat on her bed and had a cup of tea.

This may be to alot of people, 'normal'.  Without going into my life story though, this is NOT normal in my parents household. To cut a long story short, miss 4 has, since birth, had 1 sleep over on her own at my parents house, and 2 or 3 sleepovers WITH me. They live the same distance away from us as Brendans parents. Before we moved to the Sunshine Coast we all lived within 20minutes away from each other, so distance has never been the issue.  When there have been sleepovers at my parents place, if the girls woke up at 6am I was hurrying them down the hallway and out into the lounge room constantly shushing them so they wouldn't wake up my parents. Cause that was really something you didn't want to deal with. Mum would maybe get up about 1/2 hour or so after the girls and I were up, but then she would be there as well shushing them so they didn't wake dad.  My parents don't randomly call up and say "hey we were wondering if we could have the girls for a sleepover this weekend". They don't even come to see the girls, unless they are already coming up the coast.  I could probably count on one hand the amount of times they've seen miss P since she was born. She's 18 months old now.  These are just a couple of examples of why there is such a wow factor about my Mother in law.  I mean, her house is just gorgeous. She doesn't by any means live in a mansion or anything. She's lived in the same house for the past 20+ years, but its just what she's done with the place and the way she keeps the place.  I mean even her Linen cupboard is absolutely immaculate.  Mine on the other hand, shambles.  And that's not me being down or negative on myself, its just an observation.  She's just the definition of house-wife. And she's always been like that and always been so good at it. And it shows! you just have to meet her kids and know that SHE did that.

Last night, whilst pottering around my kitchen. Yes- I know it was a Saturday night and I was cleaning my kitchen, but it was actually really peaceful and cathartic.  But I was thinking about certain ways that I do things as a mother or as a housewife.  And how when Miss A was a baby, I played so many games with her. I mean she wasn't even 2 and she could count to 15. I just loved reading with her and playing with her and teaching her things. Nothing made me happier than seeing her say something I'd taught her for the first time.  And then when Miss P came, life became more hectic and stuff slowed down and now they play together and I just do whatever it is I'm doing.  I haven't done crafty things with the girls in ages. Or just sat down and read books with them. Or did playdough with them.  I've come to the realisation that I need a routine. Not something I write on the fridge or anything time by time. But I need to have some sort of routine for me so that my house doesn't get chaotic and messy and I spend days cleaning it and the girls entertain themselves. I need to be able to get up in the morning, do an hour or two of 'housewifey' things and then I will have the time to go for a run in the yard or play on the swings or do paintings or whatever we want to do.  And instead of leaving what we're having for dinner until the end of the day, think about it in the morning and prepare it, so when it does get to that hectic time of the afternoon where the girls are just over it and start playing up, it's not hard to put dinner on and keep them entertained at the same time. I *NEED* to be a better housewife and mother. And it's funny because I am doing exactly what my mother did. Of course she obviously didn't have facebook and internet back then, but my mum just stopped being 'a mum'. We got to a certain age and mum just, not gave up, but something changed. We went to school and on school holidays we went to vacation care. We were never ever home. 6 weeks of Christmas holidays and we were at Vacation care EVERY day. And no, my mother didn't work. She just wasn't the stay at home mum type.   But up until a while ago, I loved being a stay at home mum. No my kids aren't in kindy everyday. Miss A only goes to kindy 2 days a week and Miss P doesn't go at all yet.  But the point is, I don't remember mum doing things with me. I don't remember doing crafty things with mum. I remember doing craft things with my vacation care teacher.  I don't want to be that mother. I know all kids have their naughty days, but I reckon miss A wouldn't be as naughty if I did more things with her, it's attention seeking behaviour, and I know that.  I'm so excited for her to come home tomorrow cause I've done up her room and have written out some recipes I want to do with her tomorrow.  Feeling like I've definitely got my mojo back. And am determined to make it stay.  There have been times where I've thought I should be doing 'xyz' but I fight it cause I think 'christ it's a Saturday night and I'm folding washing, or I'm ironing' etc.  And I fight it because I think geeze I'm 26 years old, this is just lame. But at the end of the day, who is it lame to?  This is my life. I am a mother. Would I rather be out clubbing until all hours? No, because i've been there done that and I'm glad I'm not crawling out of a cab at 5am. I'm tired just thinking about that lol.  Anyway... babbling .. Just had to get everything out. It's been a great weekend. I'm glad I went.

I'm coming out of the closet

And I am not talking about the Homosexuality closet, before any of you start going and getting your proverbial knickers in a knot.  I'm talking about the "Mental illness" closet.  Cause lets face it, by admitting you have a mental illness you're opening yourself up for a whole lotta shit. Regardless of what anyone says, there is still a butt-load of stigma attached to it. And it's bloody hard for people to 'come out'.  I for one, for a long time have felt ashamed and embarrassed of how people would take it. And I really didn't want to be looked at differently. 

So the re-birth, if you will of this blog, isn't going to go back and rehash everything about my past to try and pin point the root of the problem.  This is more about blogging my day to day life, how I am feeling etc so that its not all floating around in my head. 

As of right now,  I suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder for those of you who are unfamiliar) and Anxiety/Agoraphobia. And for the first time in a long time I can say I am not doing OK.  I am angry and frustrated at myself for not doing something about it sooner and just trying to ignore it or 'sweep it under the rug', so to speak.   As it stands now, my Anxiety is that bad, I have not left my house in over 2 weeks.  And I so wish that was an exaggeration. But it really isnt. I literally have not gone past my letter box, in 2 weeks.  The rational part of my brain sees this and thinks 'what the heck is wrong with you, just DO IT'.  Unfortunately for my rational part, the anxiety ridden part of my brain has been in charge for wayyyy too long- it is in desperate need of re-training, that's for sure. 

So I have decided, over the next few weeks I am going to start taking the steps I need to, to start getting myself better.   I'm tired of it putting a strain on my relationship with The Bman and I know that its not good for Miss 4 and Miss Almost 2.  

Unfortunately growing up, I wasn't given the tools I needed to be equipped for dealing with this kind of stuff.  So one of the things on my 'to do' list is to finally do my mental health plan with my Doctor, so I can start going and talking to someone ASAP.  This was something I wanted to do on Friday just gone, but I have been so ill with this flu, the last thing I want to do is go and sit in a doctors surgery whilst feeling like I am dying, and talk about my mental health.  

The other thing I am doing is getting my mojo back by eating better & exercising. I know that will help my head space and make me feel a bit better. 

So despite the fact I have a crapload of handwashing to do today, today is going to be a good day!  After this post I am shutting down my computer for a few hours and stepping away from trying to solve everybody else's dramas and problems.  Going to go out and sit in the sunshine and soak up some VIT D. God knows I need it.